It’s time to start the whole self love
journey
CW: 56 kg, Height: 5’2, Age:21
I’ve realized that I have a problem. I’ve
had it for a long time. I don’t even know if it’s a problem, actually. I’ve
been obsessed with losing weight/ getting lean for the longest time. My 2016
mood board has a section on “Become Size Zero!” I’m not even sure that’s
possible.
I think, most of the time I’m fine with how
I look. When I’m not fine is when I look at my body in the mirror. When I try
out clothes and check myself out. I just don’t look like how I want to look.
For the record, I don’t really have a goal weight. I do, however, have a goal
body. It’s an overall lean-fit body. Smaller upper arms, a flat stomach,
smaller legs.
I don’t just yearn for it. I work for it. I
try working out and clean eating. Somehow I never really get thinner. However,
I do remember losing some weight towards the end of 2016. I very much attribute
it to the crazy amount of stress I was going through. Although it might be the
fact that our elevator was down for almost 3 months.
In January 2018, I was really heavy because
I’d just come back from a vacation in the motherland. However, in a few months,
I was down to my usual weight. Shortly after, I began an intense workout/ diet
regimen. It was intense. I’d never been so committed. I barely showed any
change on the scale but I did notice myself getting fitter.
I routinely get brief bouts of absolute
yearning for a better body. It’s usually during these times that I decide to go
on a diet, or start a new workout. I’ll also put it out there that my mom
forbade me to do any diets until recently.
Diets/ work outs like these usually lasts
less than 2 weeks for me. After a while I just find it hard to find motivation
anymore. Recently though, I managed to eat relatively clean and raw for 10
days. This was while I was working, and that made it way easier for me. I’d
have a smoothie bowl for breakfast, a small salad for lunch and an egg salad
for dinner, with a trail mix for dessert. I’d like to say I lost 2 kg by doing
this but I never really believed it.
One other thing that I have to talk about
is my stomach. Ever since I was a child, I’ve had a bit of a belly. I continue
to be positive that some day I’ll get a flat stomach. Is that even logical?
What if my stomach is meant to be this way because that’s how my body is? I
don’t know. Recently I’ve seen a true story of a girl that had been large her
whole life, but managed to get down to size extra small just by jumping rope
and fixing her diet. So I too can get my dream belly.
What I’m going to do about it
Now that I’ve given you my life story (LOL)
I’d like to mention what I’m going to do about my warped body image. (I’m not
even THAT fat). I’m embarking on a self love journey. I started it yesterday
and even as we speak I’m having a hard time already. I find it so hard to look
at myself and feel like I look great. I’ve resolved to not looking in the mirror.
Just my body, not my face.
I just want to pile myself with body
positive affirmations until I’m mindlessly body positive. I want to say good
things to myself. I get that it’s society’s BS standards that have forced me to
believe I don’t have a great figure. However, I can’t pretend that I think I have
a great bod. I think I don’t. I hope I can change that perspective. Actually,
no. I’m confident I’ll find a way to think better of my blessed body.
Whew. This is going to be a tough journey,
guys. How does one begin to peel off layers of poor body image and slather on
new mindsets? I’m sure we’ve all heard the story how I can teach myself to like
something I hate. I tried it out on shea butter. I HATED the smell of shea
butter. Too bad I had dry skin and I’d recently gotten an entire load of some
organic shea butter to remedy my malady. I resolved to turn this hate for shea
butter into something more bearable. And I did. Same with yogurt. I have never
ben a fan of yogurt. My fam ended by buying kefir grains which are these awesome
bacteria stuff that create a highly nutritional yogurt. Guess who had to chug.
Same with avocado. Almost all my social media @’s have avocado in them. I LOVE
avocado. Growing up? Not so much. We had a wonderful avocado tree by our house
back in the day. I didn’t get the whole point of a bland tasting fruit if there
were lots of delicious foods I could eat. Not that I ate much. I was a skinny twig
as a child.
So, yeah. I’m just saying that I’ll be
doing this whole ‘love myself’ thing. Gosh. Every time I think of how I have to
think from now on, something in my mind is repulsed. Something keeps pushing
away sound reasoning. I don’t blame myself. This is years’ worth of
conditioning by society, and dare I say, my own self.
So, wish me luck, internet ghosts from
Russia that actually read my blog.
Peace Out,
Yours always,
ASI the bad man
