WHAT IS LIFE ABOUT | I SQUAWK; CROUCHED ON THE ROOF OF A DECREPIT IGLOO

I ask myself (and random strangers in the elevator) this question about 23890^3 times a day. I’m kidding I don’t ask random strangers in the elevator. The conclusion is that I’m in an existential crisis. I mean, I think that’s not entirely a bad thing—look at Jaden Smith; he seems fine (his Instagram username is existentialcrisisboy) I think. 

I’m losing track of the reason for my existence. Or I don’t understand the reason for my existence. Or maybe I don’t know at all. I know for one thing that I don’t want to be a clueless potato binge scrolling on Instagram. My workout is going quite *scream whispers* IT DOESN’T EXIST IT’S GOING THROUGH AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS. *wrests mic back into control* Ahem.

 The question is: Is there an answer to this question???

What do we do with our lives? What are we supposed to do?? Why do people think I’m crying when I’m just wiping my melting eyeliner? Ahem.

 I feel like in order to feel like my life is about something, I need to accomplish things; do great stuff, get recognition on the internet and other ginormous events as such. But alas, the tragedy of life is that I am that clueless potato binge scrolling on Instagram. My 2017 resolutions flew away on the back of a pigeon over the Nile.  My Secret Writing Project (SWP) set sail to the Undying Lands. I just don’t know what to do. 

 Sometimes I get jealous of people who are amazing and get things done all proper and adulting and I’m still stuck here the things I do make me cringe for real. So obviously I cheer on the people that amaze me; the people that I look up to. But sometimes I feel like I can never match up to them. I feel like I’m letting myself down. And obviously you’re wondering, ’But asi, if you know what to do why don’t you stop being a big baby and actually DO the things you want to do???? Get a grip lmao.’ I just don’t know how to answer you. 

 When I was about 14, I wanted to be the most efficient/ the best version of myself. I called it ‘the climax’ I have no idea why lol. I wanted to be the climax efficient human being. To do everything in perfection. All the things I had to force myself to do; had to come easily to me. Years later I realise that I did become that person I wanted to be so bad. But I think that I can get somewhere with all this lack of clarity on life. I will get there. It may take some time but I know that one day I’ll do the things I was too lazy to do; look back and smile at the crazy pumpkin that I was. Feeling like I just “couldn’t”. I just couldn’t write one page a day. It’s a funny world. Haha.

I need to set a real goal. What do I want to be? What do I see my best self as? 

 As opposed to the means to getting there?? To see myself as an accomplished writer; will lead me to write so I can fulfil the main objective. 

 I asked that question, “What do I want to be?” The thing is I thought I’d found myself. I thought I knew. I thought I was the best version. But that’s wrong. I see now. There are so many things about myself that I need to change. Do you know how hard that is? To be vigilant enough to tell when you’re being (un-efficient) and to correct yourself.

 I don’t think I’ve answered my question but I’ve found one part of the answer; Keep improving yourself. Gratitude. Drink more water damn my lips hurt they’re split down the middle. It’s like I have chronic dry lips sometimes I'm just done. 

 I’ll get there Insha Allah. Maybe I won’t be perfect, but as long as I’m improving myself bit by bit I should be content. I don’t know if I will ever be enough but maybe that’s not what I need. Maybe all I need is to be constantly improving myself.

I’m thinking about how I’m gonna restart up my journaling projects. Last year I had a blast going on a rampage; decimating my journal pages because let’s face it—I don’t exactly make amazing journal pages like Areeba @NotYourTypeBlog. 

People in the real world are not the same as people online. Online people are amazing and (not too sure on this one but) real + so good. We’re all accepting of our perks; we cheer each other’s eccentricity, craziness; individuality. Stupidity (in most cases). Quirks. We scream, “YOU DO YOU, BOO!” “Ya hair’s gr8” “GOALS AFFF” “CAN I BE YOU???” In other words, the whole acceptance movement. To be who you really are. To revel in yourself.  The fact that no one needs to comment on your ‘you-ness’. Their opinions don’t matter. 

The fact of life is that: In real life people aren’t accepting of our weirdness. They want us to change. They hate us. They think we’re weirdos. We should just keep our quirks to ourselves because DEES HOS AINT UNDERSTAND US. And this is basically the founding factor of this whole post. Or the whole of the last six months of my existence. For a whole year before I started uni, I literally LIVED on the internet. I didn’t care about any type of social interaction. Bet I didn’t step out the house in weeks. I read a ton of books. Scrolling and scrolling on Instagram. Trying and failing at being a photographer. By the time I joined uni, I was like this whole other person. Guess you can say internet bled into real life. At first people think you’re funny and different; but then. Then comes the judging. You aren’t normal; that’s obvious. But are you borderline mental? Is now the question. 

I’ve said it over and over again. I let go of my normal life when I joined uni. I couldn’t read books I would have normally read in 2 sittings. I didn’t update this here memoirs for a few months. Life became all about uni. I know that’s normal because I mean school usually takes up a whole section of your life; showing up, learning, studying and all that. But I was mad at myself for letting go. I didn’t ever make any creative pages for my journal. I made less and less of my Graphic Design projects. I let go of my personal projects. Self development. Self love and acceptance. 

I’m sure if I had hung on to my usual life, things would have been much better for me. Because when the semester was over I didn’t know what to do. I tried and tried to get back on track with my GD, and if you read my previous posts you can see I started up TSWP (The Secret Writing Project) I want these things to be my identity. To hold me down; to ground me. 

I’m going to change myself. I never thought I’d say this because I have in fact gone soul searching; I thought I’d found myself. But it appears you can never truly do that. You keep changing. Humans are not static. We move. Our circumstances move. Our surroundings move. Doesn’t mean we have to change; but we have to adapt. 

I can be myself to myself but other people don’t appreciate. So no matter how hard the effort is, I’m going to keep my head and act like every other normal person. There’s no need to act like my life is a funny youtube video. I can be that way to myself. I’m retreating into myself; just like how I was before. I have to think twice before I do anything. I think it’s going to be fun using all my will power to act different; to build back my conscience and live with in restrictions again. Goodbye, world.

Lol my titles are getting more and more click bait-ish but the truth is that I just wanted to come here and spend some time with my virtual child which is in fact my blog (for you clueless turnips). Anyway back to the topic at hand; how much pizza is too much? What type of cheese is the best option for chicken pizza??? So many questions??? 

I’m heading back to uni tomorrow and I don’t know what this semester has got in store for me. Some type of timetable got released and it says I have class only on Mondays and Wednesdays! What a relief. Last semester I had to go to school every day because I had five course modules sprinkled across the week. 

I asked one of my friends one of the questions that runs through my head at least 2 million times a day. Which is… (wait for it)

WHAT IS LIFE ABOUT???

And well I wasn’t expecting this answer but, ‘Life is about studying; then working, then living alone for a bit then getting married and yeah..’ I DON’T THINK THAT FAR AHEAD. And besides what I really meant was, ‘What is life about right now? In this particular moment in quantum space. What do we have to do? Why do giraffes exist? Did mankind really go to the moon?’ And other such obviously perfectly normal questions and much needed answers.

Since the title of this post has ‘and other philosophies’ on it I’ll just be right with y’all. Gotta dust off some theories that I visit so often that the proverbial carpet is worn through. Theories like, ‘You have to be comfortable with yourself enough that when there’s no one around you don’t feel like there’s a lion staring at you from outside your window. You don’t need to be around people all the time. Just simply—be fine with yourself. Yall homies.’

But at the same time though. There are people who dwell on such matters of needing someone, anyone to be available at any one time (and this time for once I’m not talking about myself) and this same thought construct doesn’t cross other people’s minds at all. Either way I believe that everyone’s journeys are precious. Because everyone is unique. Maybe you fight yourself; maybe you don’t. Things are gonna be ok. Because you will look back one day and see that you couldn’t help how the situation was; because now it isn’t. 

 So of course pizza is worth it.