Hi,
everyone.
It’s been
quiet here around the memoirs, and that’s because I’ve been working on some
stuff. I’ve also been adding more information to my knowledge arsenal; and
debating whether I should write up a fiction novel.
I think a
lot of the time; at the back of our heads, we know what we truly want from
life. We may feel directionless, but really in that obscure part of your mind
you just KNOW what you want from life. (Ugh I just voiced this out to my sister
and she said, “No, I donno what I want.”) I WAS ON TO SOMETHING HERE.
Last year,
when I was making a magazine for my design project, I decided to fill up two
pages with an epic fantasy short story; except it wasn’t a short story? It was
more of a tiny snippet, and I had no idea where it was going. My siblings read
it and were mind blown. I also showed it to one of my friends who agreed that
it was most riveting. The thing is, I have actually never written a single
fiction story. Even though I’m sure I could write an amazing one—given that I
have read a very good amount of novels.
Anyway, the
story was about a girl called Sarsarai, who’s kind of like a Baba Yaga, but
prettier I guess? She lives in the middle of a forest, and she’s like a
guardian over some village. Kind of like a Brom, waiting for kids with magical
powers to come to her. YO DON’T STEAL MY STORY OK. Moving on.. While I was
writing this story I was trying to add a bit of myself to Sarsarai? I don’t
know if I managed it. As I went on to college, I became flooded by how
different people viewed me, and I allowed myself to believe what they thought I
was.
I’m a fiery
being, a force to be reckoned with! A roiling being of emotion and passion! A
strong independent person with a dream for greatness. Why must I conform to
what mere mortals suggest I am?! Gulp.
That’s a
topic for this post, though. I have a goal, and maybe a lot of the time I
forget all about it, maybe sometimes I don’t care about it, but it’s always
there, swimming at the edges of my thoughts, leaving a heady sense I can’t
explain. (And by sense, I mean sense of smell, touch, hearing etc) I want to achieve
things. I want to make a mark. I want to earn money.
I go
through SO many thoughts in a day. And by many, I mean a TON. My feelings and
emotions change SO fast; and I’m researching into this lately. Trying to find
ways of controlling how impulsive I am. I can feel one way about something, and
the next day it’s completely different. I told myself that all my thoughts,
feelings and emotions are valid—but what is real? What’s the actual way I feel
about something?
So, in
order to keep sight of what’s important, I’m making a list of how I feel about
things. A very moral, good view on things, something I can consult when
I’m feeling overwhelmed. When I lose track, to remember my goals and dreams,
and all that matters in the end. To believe in myself.
In other
news, I’ve been researching hormones and mental disorders. A lot of other
stuff, too. But mostly mental disorders. It’s crazy how it started. I just came
across a pdf document (I don’t remember clicking on it) and started reading
through the complex stuff they had on there. A lot of the time, we think we’re
the only ones suffering through something, but that’s not true. There are
people who’ve felt the same way as you. After all, emotions are just chemical
reactions. Can you believe that, though? I had no idea. Hatred is a result of
the brain squirting a chemical? Astounding is what it is.
And that’s
how I started looking into feel-good hormones. Now I’m not showing off (I
totally am) but here’s a list of happy hormones;
·
Endorphins (Reason why I’m now working out—just
a few reps of jump rope but shh)
·
Dopamine (For when you achieve your goals)
·
Oxytocin (Luuuurve)
All this
actually made me question my entire existence. I mean, come on—chemicals? I
even thought emotions were all in the mind! This, however, is a game changer. I
don’t really think about my brain; it’s just used for calculations and stuff,
but the thing is, the brain does everything for us (*cough* excuse me, I’ll be
right with you—need to google more about the brain)
Ok, so. The
brain is the ‘boss’ of the body. Never mind that I got this information off a
kiddie website. Everything is the brain. Wut. All we do IS THE BRAIN. I’M
HAVING AN EPIPHANY HERE. Every single thing you do is the brain aaaasjddjflg.
Even when you’re thinking about the brain, it’s actually the brain doing all
that. THE BRAIN NAMED ITSELF BRAIN.
Anyways, in
the whole reading world, I’ve been looking for more quality reads than ever
before. I got myself the kindle app, and even though I don’t really buy
anything, I sampled a few biographies and I actually like them. I’ve been
looking for self-help and such. Most of all, however, I’ve been using my
laptop, and this means I’ve been browsing a lot of topics. (In contrast to
reading on my phone, which usually means I’m reading fantasy.)
I did write
up a post on the half yearly recap and stuff; and I’m re-cementing the
resolutions I laid down for myself. There’s things I need to accomplish before
the year ends. I want to have façade of being in control this time round. And
by ‘this time round’, you can bet I mean college. My second year of college
starts in about 20 days, and I can assure you, I’m not interested in lounging
around school. I’m going to be whipping in and out; after all, now I have a
sense of what I want to be. (I used to think I had to prove myself to people
but what the heck—I have a life. Now, I realise. I have goals and dreams and
projects outside of school. I’m not just a student. Before I’m a student, I’m a
bunch of things. For example, I have
this amazing blog! Yes! Have to fix this renegade coding, though.) I’m a river
raging with energy, I can’t just invest that in only school! Thank God, my eyes
are finally open.
Keep being awesome,
-asi
0 comments