Losing sight of what’s important


Hi, everyone.

It’s been quiet here around the memoirs, and that’s because I’ve been working on some stuff. I’ve also been adding more information to my knowledge arsenal; and debating whether I should write up a fiction novel.
I think a lot of the time; at the back of our heads, we know what we truly want from life. We may feel directionless, but really in that obscure part of your mind you just KNOW what you want from life. (Ugh I just voiced this out to my sister and she said, “No, I donno what I want.”) I WAS ON TO SOMETHING HERE.

Last year, when I was making a magazine for my design project, I decided to fill up two pages with an epic fantasy short story; except it wasn’t a short story? It was more of a tiny snippet, and I had no idea where it was going. My siblings read it and were mind blown. I also showed it to one of my friends who agreed that it was most riveting. The thing is, I have actually never written a single fiction story. Even though I’m sure I could write an amazing one—given that I have read a very good amount of novels.
Anyway, the story was about a girl called Sarsarai, who’s kind of like a Baba Yaga, but prettier I guess? She lives in the middle of a forest, and she’s like a guardian over some village. Kind of like a Brom, waiting for kids with magical powers to come to her. YO DON’T STEAL MY STORY OK. Moving on.. While I was writing this story I was trying to add a bit of myself to Sarsarai? I don’t know if I managed it. As I went on to college, I became flooded by how different people viewed me, and I allowed myself to believe what they thought I was.
I’m a fiery being, a force to be reckoned with! A roiling being of emotion and passion! A strong independent person with a dream for greatness. Why must I conform to what mere mortals suggest I am?! Gulp.
That’s a topic for this post, though. I have a goal, and maybe a lot of the time I forget all about it, maybe sometimes I don’t care about it, but it’s always there, swimming at the edges of my thoughts, leaving a heady sense I can’t explain. (And by sense, I mean sense of smell, touch, hearing etc) I want to achieve things. I want to make a mark. I want to earn money.
I go through SO many thoughts in a day. And by many, I mean a TON. My feelings and emotions change SO fast; and I’m researching into this lately. Trying to find ways of controlling how impulsive I am. I can feel one way about something, and the next day it’s completely different. I told myself that all my thoughts, feelings and emotions are valid—but what is real? What’s the actual way I feel about something?
So, in order to keep sight of what’s important, I’m making a list of how I feel about things. A very moral, good view on things, something I can consult when I’m feeling overwhelmed. When I lose track, to remember my goals and dreams, and all that matters in the end. To believe in myself.
In other news, I’ve been researching hormones and mental disorders. A lot of other stuff, too. But mostly mental disorders. It’s crazy how it started. I just came across a pdf document (I don’t remember clicking on it) and started reading through the complex stuff they had on there. A lot of the time, we think we’re the only ones suffering through something, but that’s not true. There are people who’ve felt the same way as you. After all, emotions are just chemical reactions. Can you believe that, though? I had no idea. Hatred is a result of the brain squirting a chemical? Astounding is what it is.
And that’s how I started looking into feel-good hormones. Now I’m not showing off (I totally am) but here’s a list of happy hormones;
·         Endorphins (Reason why I’m now working out—just a few reps of jump rope but shh)
·         Dopamine (For when you achieve your goals)
·         Oxytocin (Luuuurve)
All this actually made me question my entire existence. I mean, come on—chemicals? I even thought emotions were all in the mind! This, however, is a game changer. I don’t really think about my brain; it’s just used for calculations and stuff, but the thing is, the brain does everything for us (*cough* excuse me, I’ll be right with you—need to google more about the brain)
Ok, so. The brain is the ‘boss’ of the body. Never mind that I got this information off a kiddie website. Everything is the brain. Wut. All we do IS THE BRAIN. I’M HAVING AN EPIPHANY HERE. Every single thing you do is the brain aaaasjddjflg. Even when you’re thinking about the brain, it’s actually the brain doing all that. THE BRAIN NAMED ITSELF BRAIN.
Anyways, in the whole reading world, I’ve been looking for more quality reads than ever before. I got myself the kindle app, and even though I don’t really buy anything, I sampled a few biographies and I actually like them. I’ve been looking for self-help and such. Most of all, however, I’ve been using my laptop, and this means I’ve been browsing a lot of topics. (In contrast to reading on my phone, which usually means I’m reading fantasy.)
I did write up a post on the half yearly recap and stuff; and I’m re-cementing the resolutions I laid down for myself. There’s things I need to accomplish before the year ends. I want to have façade of being in control this time round. And by ‘this time round’, you can bet I mean college. My second year of college starts in about 20 days, and I can assure you, I’m not interested in lounging around school. I’m going to be whipping in and out; after all, now I have a sense of what I want to be. (I used to think I had to prove myself to people but what the heck—I have a life. Now, I realise. I have goals and dreams and projects outside of school. I’m not just a student. Before I’m a student, I’m a bunch of things.  For example, I have this amazing blog! Yes! Have to fix this renegade coding, though.) I’m a river raging with energy, I can’t just invest that in only school! Thank God, my eyes are finally open.


 Keep being awesome,

-asi

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