I feel like I haven’t properly welcomed
enough months this year. I like to attach significance to dates and times. I
guess life has been too fast-paced for me to properly feel its passage. I was
born in March, so I love March. I love to welcome it and enjoy it.
I feel like right now, I have the time and
energy to actively feel the start of September, and set up some resolutions. I’ve
been reading material online, and watching TED talks that have inspired me to
lay out resolutions daily. Obviously I haven’t been doing it, but like most people,
the start of a new month is a just cause to start afresh again.
Without further ado, here are my September
resolutions:
September 2018 Resolutions
1.
Write more
I’d been on a roll for a few weeks. I’d
been writing a lot and feeling good about myself. Somehow for the last 3 days, I
don’t feel that way anymore. I think it’s because I wasn’t resonating with what
I was writing. However, I have chosen another subject and I hope I can write joyfully
again. Also, I’d like to write a fiction book. I’ve been inspired by someone
and I think I can write one too. I’ll go online for advice on how to outline a
fiction book because the last time I wrote a book, I didn’t take into consideration
any of the fine aspects of fiction writing.
2.
Read more
Who am I if I don’t have ‘read more’ on my
resolutions?! Haha, wouldn’t be me. I LOVE reading, in case you didn’t know. As
I grow older and my goals become more focused, I find myself reading more and
more non-fiction. I’ve mentioned before how I love reading personal growth and
development. I also LOVE, LOVE reading YA Fantasy. I’ve barely finished 4
Fantasy books in the past few months, and I think the universe is telling me
something. Anywho, I’ll be reading more.
3.
Self love
In my last post, I mentioned I was going on
a self love journey. I suppose it’s coming along nicely. I’ve been watching all
these TED talks that resonate with me. I just might reach that insane level of
self esteem that some people have. I find that taking care of myself and being
mindful of what I put into my body is helping me realize a bunch of things. It’s
actually helping me love myself more. I also need to start saying positive
things to myself and stuff like that. My poor self image is pretty mind
boggling. I have a lot great qualities and skills. I’m a pretty cool person. It’s
insane. I’ll get up to that level of self esteem, though.
4.
Stop being
such a people pleaser/ butt licker/ doormat
I don’t understand how I came to be as
such. I find myself bending over backwards for complete strangers. I’m not even
talking in the oh, she’s nice kind of way. I probably come off as creepy. I smile
at everyone and say hi. But sis, who’s saying hi to ME? Anyway, this isn’t
about that. It’s about being a fool (and a tool). Let me elaborate. In my
Statistics class, I was sweltering from the heat and suffocating to boot. I
turned on the AC, right? But the girl next to me wraps her scarf around her. I’m
completely fine, just dandy really, with the temperature and the significant improvement
in circulation. So, what do I do? I ask the girl if she’s feeling cold. She says
no, I’m always cold. I ignore her repeated re-assurances and turn off the AC
and open the windows. Who’s suffering now? That’s right. Me. I’m not even joking—this
comes completely naturally to me. It’s some reflex level stuff. I’m a natural
doormat. This is after days of recognizing and being mindful of the same fact.
I don’t want to be like this anymore. I refuse to mistreat MYSELF and not take
care of MY BODY. How is this normal? I’m not having it anymore.
5.
Be more
confident
I have a lot to say about this step. First
of all, I find myself trying to fit in too much. I try to imagine myself as not
too different from everyone else. In case I hadn’t mentioned it, I’m a
foreigner in my country. I act like I belong here. I’m not even trying to be mushy
or whatever. I always felt like everyone else to be honest, because, let’s face
it—I grew up here. I identify as a local. But the thing is, people don’t treat
me like one. I find myself trying to tone down on the way I speak, or try to
relate to things with everyone else but no one else is having it.
I only figured this out recently—I’m a
foreigner. Even if I don’t want to believe it, I didn’t have the same experiences
growing up as a local. I’m looked at different. I’m even treated different. (Hello,
unfair taxi prices.) So yeah, I find myself trying to seem less cool than I actually
am. Stuff like that. But you know what? I am different. There’s no need to
change who I am for people that won’t appreciate me anyway. So, I’ll use those
words that no one understands. I’ll be hyperbolic. You don’t get me? Fine. I’m
not sacrificing my identity for strangers.
Also, I’m going to start wearing the
clothes I want to wear. Sure, I’m not usually comfortable doing that but I’m
not going to be a slave to my irrational thoughts. My severely misplaced low
self worth. My appalling lack of self love. WHY SHOULD I CARE WHAT STRANGERS THINK
ANYWAY?? I’m my own person, navigating through my own life. Why should I let
transient people dictate how I dress?
6.
My story
gets to have the voice I give it
I’m writing out my own story with my own choices,
decisions and actions. I don’t want to view my life in other people’s eyes, or
their perspectives. Yes, I feature in other’s stories, but how does that have
more weight than my own story? I get to have the command of how I narrate my
story. To be honest, I find myself going out of my way to have a mark on other
people’s lives. I do the dumbest things, just so I can be THAT character for
someone else. So they can say: hey, so yeah this girl did this for/to me. I’ve
been noticing the problem with this thinking lately, even though I’ve known I
was doing it for a long time. I don’t want to be someone that does things just
so people can have a certain character in their lives. Actually, I find it
sickening now. I feel like I’m getting to the root of it. I’d like to blame
Young Adult Contemporary Fiction but I know it’s something deeper. I do things
for people just so they can reciprocate but they don’t. I stopped this
foolishness by the way. I’m a far better person for it.
7.
Break way
from culture
I’m not willing to butter up my culture’s
ego anymore. I come from a shockingly sexist, patriarchal and backward society.
And the worst part? I enable it. I continue to be the meek girl who listens to
male figures and their absolute bullshit. Their power plays and condescending
tones and behaviors. I clam up instead of stating my opinions, my answers to
things that involve MY LIFE. MY FUTURE. How dumb can that be? I don’t subscribe
to the gutter that is my culture. It’s insanely backward and tragically sexist.
I refuse to shut up anymore. I refuse to do things that are against MY code of
conduct. I have not come the conclusion that my culture is stupid by chance, it
is insanely abnormal. I refuse to shut up form today. I am a strong, independent,
opinionated, educated modern woman. My culture has gone unchecked for far too
long. It belongs in the past. In the old days of ignorance and stupidity. This is
the new era. It’s a new age. Old people with their backward mentalities hold no
power over me. I’m a free soul; a free spirit. I refuse to be treated like cow
dung by senile old men.
In conclusion
Well, wow. This turned into a rant/vent
session. It’s alright, it’s good—great, actually. I find myself realizing more and
more how abnormal some of my behaviors are. I’m working towards being a better version
of myself. These September resolutions are a great way to keep track of what I want
for myself—to be highly aware of my being. To be aware that I am in control of
my destiny and nothing and no one can stop me from achieving what I want to.
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