My Emotions at The End of 2018

I know I’m not giving a space for my positive emotions and feelings but no one ever cares that things are good. They only start overreacting when everything’s going to hell. I also understand that emotions never truly stay constant and I’ll probably be over this emotional state by next year.

However, I just can’t help but notice how bitter I’ve become. I feel like I’ve relapsed into this prickly version of myself that I’ve quite familiar with. I’ve gone back to having a victim mentality. I feel like things are going badly (even when they aren’t) and that nothing will ever work out for me.

I know why I’m feeling this way, and I’m saddened by the fact that a lot of my emotional progress has been erased.

It’s just that this lovely picture I’d painted about my future has come undone. Now it’s just back to harsh reality. I know it would seem trivial to a lot of people but it pains me how much I thought things could be wildly amazing.

Instead I’ve been forcefully shoved back to a mindset that made me do very many stupid things. I guess I fear for myself. I fear that I’ll start making the same mistakes again. This type of behavior is characterized by devil-may-care attitude combined with intense anxiety and bursts of intense mental breakdowns. I’m actually talking about devil-may-care actions.

I’ve got myself into extremely unnecessary and stupid situations. And I know why I did. It’s because of my lack of self esteem, self worth, self preservation, yada yada. I didn’t really care about myself. I don’t know if I do today. Even when horrible things happened to me, I wasn’t asking the right questions. I don’t know. I still don’t ask the right questions.

This detrimental behavior was also characterized by trying to be there for other people. It was a way of asking for the same attention for myself. It was never reciprocated, however. I seem to have moved on from such. Mostly because I have made better friends who do care.

In conclusion, I know I’m going to get better but I really feel defeated. It feels like something shattered. I know I don’t give my emotions much credit especially when it’s really needed, but this feels immense.

I feel that writing this shows me that I really do have more emotional maturity. I believe that things will get better. And not in that whole way of completely ignoring and suppressing issues that really needed to be examined. Not in that stuffing emotions away because they are too big and scary for me to handle kind of way.

I can’t call myself misguided. I chose to act the way I did. But it was motivated by things I really couldn’t control like my lack of self confidence, my extreme gullible and impressionable nature, my entirely too-trusting nature, putting others above my own self, believing in lies, believing other people and not my own self, and other stuff.

I believe I was brought up with a series of events that caused me to funnel down into who I am now. I’m not a pretty sight in a lot of ways.

I think that a lot of the time, you can’t help who you are; especially when you don’t know that you’re wrong or that you need to improve and better yourself always.

One thing I seem to have lost the passion for is continual betterment and improving myself. I just feel like I’m at a standstill. I don’t feel like working on myself. I don’t feel the need to work out, eat better, and read self help books.

My temper is back and I get angry about everything. I engaged in a violent outburst characterized by heavy breathing with spittle flying out my mouth (LOL this is funny), a rageful screaming fest and ended up with bruised knuckles and I broke my bed. My throat is still sore.

My life seems to have lost meaning. I am lost.

I’m writing this because I read an article today about auditing your life. I’m not sure if this is my 3^rd September life update even though it’s only the 14^th of. I guess I like September. There’s even a song called September song that I like. It’s just one of those weird months no one notices go by. Well I’m here, September and I shall give you the validation you deserve!

The going’s good I should say. I’m being consistent for the most part. I hate to say the thing I’m most proud of because I hate to say that I hate to jinx it. I’ll allow this eccentric part about me. I’d like to break out of this superstitious side of me but eh, it’s being tough.

I’ve been going to school. It’s dope. Been learning stuff. I actually have a module this semester that’s an entire course I did as a certificate. Graphic Design. I feel like such an expert. In fact, I tried cutting my class last week but my grand rebellious act was squashed down because the class was canceled anyway.

 Mental health is looking just peachy lately. I’m basically thriving.

Self love journey is going amazing. I realized that I simply CANNOT look like anyone else. I can’t look like the skinny tumblr girls. I can only look like myself. So, I’ll work towards my body in the best shape it can be. Whew. That wasn’t so hard, was it? Also, I’ve found a way to incorporate the 80/20 rule into self love and acceptance. Putting 20% into our lives gives off 80% of the result. So, when you think of yourself as 20%, you’re actually 80% more than that!

SO, yeah. Self love is going great. I honestly CANNOT believe the insanity of media. Why do I feel like I’m the only person on earth who’s not perfect? Honestly, it’s insane. I’m literally not the only person that has hip dips. Or a fat stomach. Or fat thighs. Uneven skin. And other flaws I can’t think of right now.

(I stopped here and now it’s the next day and I can’t be bothered to complete the train of thought. I’ll say goodbye here now. Yours always, Asi.)

I’m Glad I Fought with My Parents

The last two days have been an intense showdown of drama and feelings in my family. We’ve had screaming fests and astonishing broken-record stupidity.

I’m on a self love journey. Also, among my September resolutions is to ‘be more confident’ and to ‘break way from culture’. These are expounded upon in my last two posts.

Last night, our familial heads got into a dumb fight with a child. I’m not interested in the fight but rather the impact it’s had on me. I’ll be quick to clarify that I barely flinched in all this chaos. I really think I don’t care.

I was involved in a loud conversation with my parental sperm donor. Now, I barely talk to him. However, I have on occasion let loose my fiery temper. I’ll just say that I was proud of myself for speaking up, defending my sister and stating only facts with clear conviction. This is where I’m breaking away from culture. I can’t succumb to patriarchal and sexist cultures and traditions anymore. I wasn’t aggressive, for one. Two, my dad actually listened to me. Even though it’s probably because he’s trained in listening to bullshit he doesn’t want to hear.

Today, I screamed at my mom. I’ve never done this before. At least not in this intensity. I have to say that I’m always crying if I talk to my dad. About anything. This time, no tears left to cry (LOL #Reference). If I can scream with this intensity at my mom, I can scream this way to people that actually offend me. I feel this power inside of me now. I’m steel and fire. When ever did this burning forge die down?

Also, I had a battle of dominance with my sister. This gave me an intense personal growth/self esteem boost. She was giving me her advice. I always listen to my sisters, to be honest. But today, I stood my ground. I looked at her and thought, “You have your opinion, and I have mine. And I believe in myself with utter conviction.”

I felt strong as steel. I met her gaze with an even one of mine. I’m usually trash at eye contact and can barely maintain it. Today, I stood strong as a stallion. It just goes to say that even though we think others are better than us, or greater than us, it’s not true. We have other things we are better than them at. We are greater than them. People have opinions, and so do you. Be as strong as steel. Be as hot as molten iron.

I’m glad this whole fight happened. It has given me insight into this fiery stallion of a woman that I am. I like to think that the next time I’m cheated, I WILL STAND UP. My self love/esteem journey is having such a crazy turnover.  I have to apply the principles I’ve learned today into my regular life. I’m extraordinary. I’m phenomenal. I don’t need to compare myself to anyone. Even if I do, there are things I’m way better at than that person. I matter. I am worthy.

Peace out

Yours always,

ASI.

I feel like I haven’t properly welcomed enough months this year. I like to attach significance to dates and times. I guess life has been too fast-paced for me to properly feel its passage. I was born in March, so I love March. I love to welcome it and enjoy it.

I feel like right now, I have the time and energy to actively feel the start of September, and set up some resolutions. I’ve been reading material online, and watching TED talks that have inspired me to lay out resolutions daily. Obviously I haven’t been doing it, but like most people, the start of a new month is a just cause to start afresh again.

Without further ado, here are my September resolutions:

September 2018 Resolutions

I’d been on a roll for a few weeks. I’d been writing a lot and feeling good about myself. Somehow for the last 3 days, I don’t feel that way anymore. I think it’s because I wasn’t resonating with what I was writing. However, I have chosen another subject and I hope I can write joyfully again. Also, I’d like to write a fiction book. I’ve been inspired by someone and I think I can write one too. I’ll go online for advice on how to outline a fiction book because the last time I wrote a book, I didn’t take into consideration any of the fine aspects of fiction writing.

Who am I if I don’t have ‘read more’ on my resolutions?! Haha, wouldn’t be me. I LOVE reading, in case you didn’t know. As I grow older and my goals become more focused, I find myself reading more and more non-fiction. I’ve mentioned before how I love reading personal growth and development. I also LOVE, LOVE reading YA Fantasy. I’ve barely finished 4 Fantasy books in the past few months, and I think the universe is telling me something. Anywho, I’ll be reading more.

In my last post, I mentioned I was going on a self love journey. I suppose it’s coming along nicely. I’ve been watching all these TED talks that resonate with me. I just might reach that insane level of self esteem that some people have. I find that taking care of myself and being mindful of what I put into my body is helping me realize a bunch of things. It’s actually helping me love myself more. I also need to start saying positive things to myself and stuff like that. My poor self image is pretty mind boggling. I have a lot great qualities and skills. I’m a pretty cool person. It’s insane. I’ll get up to that level of self esteem, though.

I don’t understand how I came to be as such. I find myself bending over backwards for complete strangers. I’m not even talking in the oh, she’s nice kind of way. I probably come off as creepy. I smile at everyone and say hi. But sis, who’s saying hi to ME? Anyway, this isn’t about that. It’s about being a fool (and a tool). Let me elaborate. In my Statistics class, I was sweltering from the heat and suffocating to boot. I turned on the AC, right? But the girl next to me wraps her scarf around her. I’m completely fine, just dandy really, with the temperature and the significant improvement in circulation. So, what do I do? I ask the girl if she’s feeling cold. She says no, I’m always cold. I ignore her repeated re-assurances and turn off the AC and open the windows. Who’s suffering now? That’s right. Me. I’m not even joking—this comes completely naturally to me. It’s some reflex level stuff. I’m a natural doormat. This is after days of recognizing and being mindful of the same fact. I don’t want to be like this anymore. I refuse to mistreat MYSELF and not take care of MY BODY. How is this normal? I’m not having it anymore.

I have a lot to say about this step. First of all, I find myself trying to fit in too much. I try to imagine myself as not too different from everyone else. In case I hadn’t mentioned it, I’m a foreigner in my country. I act like I belong here. I’m not even trying to be mushy or whatever. I always felt like everyone else to be honest, because, let’s face it—I grew up here. I identify as a local. But the thing is, people don’t treat me like one. I find myself trying to tone down on the way I speak, or try to relate to things with everyone else but no one else is having it.

I only figured this out recently—I’m a foreigner. Even if I don’t want to believe it, I didn’t have the same experiences growing up as a local. I’m looked at different. I’m even treated different. (Hello, unfair taxi prices.) So yeah, I find myself trying to seem less cool than I actually am. Stuff like that. But you know what? I am different. There’s no need to change who I am for people that won’t appreciate me anyway. So, I’ll use those words that no one understands. I’ll be hyperbolic. You don’t get me? Fine. I’m not sacrificing my identity for strangers.

Also, I’m going to start wearing the clothes I want to wear. Sure, I’m not usually comfortable doing that but I’m not going to be a slave to my irrational thoughts. My severely misplaced low self worth. My appalling lack of self love. WHY SHOULD I CARE WHAT STRANGERS THINK ANYWAY?? I’m my own person, navigating through my own life. Why should I let transient people dictate how I dress?

I’m writing out my own story with my own choices, decisions and actions. I don’t want to view my life in other people’s eyes, or their perspectives. Yes, I feature in other’s stories, but how does that have more weight than my own story? I get to have the command of how I narrate my story. To be honest, I find myself going out of my way to have a mark on other people’s lives. I do the dumbest things, just so I can be THAT character for someone else. So they can say: hey, so yeah this girl did this for/to me. I’ve been noticing the problem with this thinking lately, even though I’ve known I was doing it for a long time. I don’t want to be someone that does things just so people can have a certain character in their lives. Actually, I find it sickening now. I feel like I’m getting to the root of it. I’d like to blame Young Adult Contemporary Fiction but I know it’s something deeper. I do things for people just so they can reciprocate but they don’t. I stopped this foolishness by the way. I’m a far better person for it.

I’m not willing to butter up my culture’s ego anymore. I come from a shockingly sexist, patriarchal and backward society. And the worst part? I enable it. I continue to be the meek girl who listens to male figures and their absolute bullshit. Their power plays and condescending tones and behaviors. I clam up instead of stating my opinions, my answers to things that involve MY LIFE. MY FUTURE. How dumb can that be? I don’t subscribe to the gutter that is my culture. It’s insanely backward and tragically sexist. I refuse to shut up anymore. I refuse to do things that are against MY code of conduct. I have not come the conclusion that my culture is stupid by chance, it is insanely abnormal. I refuse to shut up form today. I am a strong, independent, opinionated, educated modern woman. My culture has gone unchecked for far too long. It belongs in the past. In the old days of ignorance and stupidity. This is the new era. It’s a new age. Old people with their backward mentalities hold no power over me. I’m a free soul; a free spirit. I refuse to be treated like cow dung by senile old men.

In conclusion

Well, wow. This turned into a rant/vent session. It’s alright, it’s good—great, actually. I find myself realizing more and more how abnormal some of my behaviors are. I’m working towards being a better version of myself. These September resolutions are a great way to keep track of what I want for myself—to be highly aware of my being. To be aware that I am in control of my destiny and nothing and no one can stop me from achieving what I want to.

It’s time to start the whole self love journey

CW: 56 kg, Height: 5’2, Age:21

I’ve realized that I have a problem. I’ve had it for a long time. I don’t even know if it’s a problem, actually. I’ve been obsessed with losing weight/ getting lean for the longest time. My 2016 mood board has a section on “Become Size Zero!” I’m not even sure that’s possible.

I think, most of the time I’m fine with how I look. When I’m not fine is when I look at my body in the mirror. When I try out clothes and check myself out. I just don’t look like how I want to look. For the record, I don’t really have a goal weight. I do, however, have a goal body. It’s an overall lean-fit body. Smaller upper arms, a flat stomach, smaller legs.

I don’t just yearn for it. I work for it. I try working out and clean eating. Somehow I never really get thinner. However, I do remember losing some weight towards the end of 2016. I very much attribute it to the crazy amount of stress I was going through. Although it might be the fact that our elevator was down for almost 3 months.

In January 2018, I was really heavy because I’d just come back from a vacation in the motherland. However, in a few months, I was down to my usual weight. Shortly after, I began an intense workout/ diet regimen. It was intense. I’d never been so committed. I barely showed any change on the scale but I did notice myself getting fitter.

I routinely get brief bouts of absolute yearning for a better body. It’s usually during these times that I decide to go on a diet, or start a new workout. I’ll also put it out there that my mom forbade me to do any diets until recently.

Diets/ work outs like these usually lasts less than 2 weeks for me. After a while I just find it hard to find motivation anymore. Recently though, I managed to eat relatively clean and raw for 10 days. This was while I was working, and that made it way easier for me. I’d have a smoothie bowl for breakfast, a small salad for lunch and an egg salad for dinner, with a trail mix for dessert. I’d like to say I lost 2 kg by doing this but I never really believed it.

One other thing that I have to talk about is my stomach. Ever since I was a child, I’ve had a bit of a belly. I continue to be positive that some day I’ll get a flat stomach. Is that even logical? What if my stomach is meant to be this way because that’s how my body is? I don’t know. Recently I’ve seen a true story of a girl that had been large her whole life, but managed to get down to size extra small just by jumping rope and fixing her diet. So I too can get my dream belly.

Now that I’ve given you my life story (LOL) I’d like to mention what I’m going to do about my warped body image. (I’m not even THAT fat). I’m embarking on a self love journey. I started it yesterday and even as we speak I’m having a hard time already. I find it so hard to look at myself and feel like I look great. I’ve resolved to not looking in the mirror. Just my body, not my face.

I just want to pile myself with body positive affirmations until I’m mindlessly body positive. I want to say good things to myself. I get that it’s society’s BS standards that have forced me to believe I don’t have a great figure. However, I can’t pretend that I think I have a great bod. I think I don’t. I hope I can change that perspective. Actually, no. I’m confident I’ll find a way to think better of my blessed body.

Whew. This is going to be a tough journey, guys. How does one begin to peel off layers of poor body image and slather on new mindsets? I’m sure we’ve all heard the story how I can teach myself to like something I hate. I tried it out on shea butter. I HATED the smell of shea butter. Too bad I had dry skin and I’d recently gotten an entire load of some organic shea butter to remedy my malady. I resolved to turn this hate for shea butter into something more bearable. And I did. Same with yogurt. I have never ben a fan of yogurt. My fam ended by buying kefir grains which are these awesome bacteria stuff that create a highly nutritional yogurt. Guess who had to chug. Same with avocado. Almost all my social media @’s have avocado in them. I LOVE avocado. Growing up? Not so much. We had a wonderful avocado tree by our house back in the day. I didn’t get the whole point of a bland tasting fruit if there were lots of delicious foods I could eat. Not that I ate much. I was a skinny twig as a child.

So, yeah. I’m just saying that I’ll be doing this whole ‘love myself’ thing. Gosh. Every time I think of how I have to think from now on, something in my mind is repulsed. Something keeps pushing away sound reasoning. I don’t blame myself. This is years’ worth of conditioning by society, and dare I say, my own self.

So, wish me luck, internet ghosts from Russia that actually read my blog.

Peace Out,

Yours always,

ASI the bad man

Hello, hello! It’s a beautiful day today. I feel amazing. However, I’m craving bread and butter. I guess it can’t all be perfect. Haha. School’s back in session and that means life is going to settle into a routine. A familiar routine. I’m glad I got an opportunity to do an internship over the holidays. I got to see the big bad world for myself. (Not too bad, I should think.)

The first week of school is always slow and lazy. No one wants to show up. That means me sitting all alone in a classroom waiting to do what I came to do. I’ve had one class so far, and I’m looking forward to carpe-diem.

If I were to describe my life at the moment, it would be that mellow sun after a light drizzle. And a smile, I suppose. A walk, too. Some lovely greenery. I guess I’m content lately. I’m doing a bunch of things I had to do but never really got around to doing. I’ve grown in so many departments.

It’s a nice feeling. I know life has its ups and downs but for now I’m happy being in this state of mind. I’ve been doing yoga lately. I’m not sure if I’m doing it right because for now it’s just motions. I feel like I need to steer my life towards this natural, wholesome living. In tune with nature. That kind of thing.

I want to start dreaming big. I’ve never really thought about how I need to go after bigger things. Things far away in the future. I know that I can achieve anything I set my mind out to do. I know I’ve lost myself over the last few years but I’ve always known myself to be head-strong and resilient.

I’m a wholesome person. I guess I know my life has limitations but I’m willing to let those dissolve while I pursue meaning and direction in life. There have been certain events that happened in the last few months that have shaken me and what I stand for. It’s a welcome change. Something subtle and yet colossal has changed within me.

It’s nice to sit down and write poetically about myself. Because I mean, why not? It makes me feel really nice inside. I’ve started to feel the impact of how fleeting life is. For example, I could delete my blog in the matter of minutes. And there goes at least hours’ worth of worrying over how perfect my blog should be. Nothing has to be perfect. We’re all just young souls trying to find our way through the world.

Feeling like such a Yoda,

Yours always,

Asi.

You can tell I’m procrastinating by how many posts I’m putting up. Two in 2 days! Whew. The important thing that is due is my internship report, by the way. I worked on it all week, and I think it’s completely fine but it seems everyone is adding all sorts of things to theirs. I’m pretty in confident in my writing because I mean, do you know even know who I am? Have you seen my blog? Yeesh. Damn good writer over here, baby!

Tomorrow is the last day of the internship. This means saying goodbyes. I don’t want to, ugh. I made some friends and I’ve actually talked to a few people and having to say bye just makes me uncomfortable. Like, what do you do?

I also happen to have organized a whole pizza party for work. I’m not going to call myself a doormat for doing all the work. I mean, I didn’t even need any of this. I don’t even know why I decided to go through with the whole thing. I literally walked miles to and from the restaurant and went around collecting what everyone was pitching in.

Anyway, this trip made me realize I’d been spending a whole load of money on milkshakes from Café Javas all year yet Food Hub (where we got the pizza from) has all sorts of desserts for half the price! I tried out a froyo with oreo on it and LOVED it. For extra cheap. Somebody hold me. I might have found my new obsession. Someone’s gonna have to tell that to my diet for me, though.

One other observation of the day is that lately I don’t have anger management issues. I can clearly remember exactly 3 times I just… let it go. Why would I give someone power over my emotions? I also realized that I love anger. I love getting angry. It gives me this rush that I love. It makes me feel powerful.

At the same time, I feel that my anger is justified. I feel like if I don’t get angry, people won’t take me seriously. If you don’t know you did something that wronged me, you’re going to keep doing it. You’re going to take me for granted.

If I don’t express my anger, I’m going to be leaving a problem-free life. If I do, I get labelled. I am angry. I want to not be. I want to change. Who am I changing for? Who am I living for? Don’t I get to do anything for myself?

What happened to the times I was 13 and changed myself according to what was cool? When did I start complying? When did being weak become my thing? When did I start caring about other people? What’s the real me?

Okay, chill out, guys. I know who I am. I am this.

Until next time,

Asi.

So, my two month-long internship is finally coming to an end… in two days. Boy, has it been a ride! From absolute garbage trash to, well… to bearable. It started okay, what with being crammed into a barely ventilated room with 200 people. From there I got into a car crash. Good times. I mean, what’s there not to like?

I can’t lie though; it’s been good reaping all these experiences. I got more than I expected. I interned in 2 branches of the company—one for each month (minus the time I spent at home with a banged up chin). I gained a whole load of knowledge on various things and I’ve added these to my internship report. And anyway, you probably don’t want to know how I created a virtual machine that broke into the Chinese government. NOT. Lol. Only one part is true.

So basically I want to talk about how it took me 2 months to adjust to the whole routine of internship. I really resisted and battled and hated internship with my LIFE. Only some things made it bearable. If I’d just accepted the way of things sooner (being stuck doing nothing, twiddling my thumbs, picking my nails), I’d probably have been better off.

Routines are basically how we live our lives. By default. Or not. If you’re definitely going to be spending a lot of time in some place (like I was), you should probably suck it up and deal with it. Seriously. I’m thinking back and realizing I probably came off as a petulant, stuck up kid. I just wasn’t ready to accept the circumstances and live with it.

I know I’m saying all this, but I wouldn’t go back and change a thing I did, lol. I had a balanced time there. Some moments were really good. Especially the time that I completely gave up and left the work place to have a moment of solitude at school. I’m kidding. There were way better times.

If you’re doing something in a work place for the first time, chances are you’re going to be doing it multiple times again. What’s there to fear anyway? I’m not a bad student, and neither would I actively be a horrible employee. Besides, we learn from our mistakes.

It’s probably a short, incoherent post but you gotta excuse me—it’s been a while and I’m still tired from all this hard work I’m doing lately. The money, though! It’s coming in the negatives, lol. I’m not getting paid. That reminds me, I almost got a web design gig today! I don’t know if the guy will return to discuss some more but he offered to pay me! And like the clueless turnip I am, I didn’t know the rate of these things. I asked him how much he’d give me because I couldn’t think of anything. Turns out you can charge 5000$ for this kind of thing. Well, I’ll see you all in Georgia cuz I might soon be off vacationing!

JULY 2018 UPDATE/ WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? I MISSED YOU??

It’s been a long while, I know. And hey, you missed me? Nawwww. I’ve written a bunch of posts (okay, maybe just two… or one) but I never got around to posting. Mostly because my computer has been super slow for a long while! Yesterday I finally deleted a guest account that was most likely the cause of all the frustration. I hope. Because after I deleted the guest account, everything was so much faster. It might be a mind thing, but hey—I’m not complaining.

Guess who’s working at the moment?! ME! Okay, maybe I’m not working. I’m doing an internship. Which doesn’t pay. But, you know… it’s worth something. Like, experience or something. I guess. I’m just getting a sort of training in networking and stuff. When we were being taught something I’m actually interested in, which is web design, some granpa had me typing out stuff from a book… which was printed…

OH MY GOD. Did I mention I was in a car crash? On June 5^th. A Tuesday. On the way to work. I got a swollen bruised chin and sat on the side of the road in shock for the most part. That was right after I got out of the car and ran away fearing an explosion! BAHAHA. I even left my shoe in the car. I was not driving. I don’t know how to drive. And this crash? Set back my chances for learning by 120%. Whatever. A month later and I still have a pea sized swelling in my chin.

What can I say, guys? It’s been a crazy few months. Life’s chill now, but the beginning of 2018 was tough for me. I guess you can say that’s why I didn’t blog. But my birthday in March was great! And life got better and better as the months went by. Mostly.

Last Friday I had some beautiful moments and the sun was beautiful and the grass was green. I feel like life is beautiful. I’m grateful. It’s only 300 words, but I’ve decided I’m going to be typing smaller posts. Nothing too taxing. So, see you real soon!