Hi, fellow avocado smoothies.

It’s been a while; I know. I’ve been working on TSWP (The Secret Writing Project) and many more things. My blog will always be my number one baby. (Maybe if I say this it will become true-er) *Heaves a great sigh* Life has been a kaleidoscope of ever changing situations and emotions. As I recently described it, “Life is changing faster than the fluttering of an insect’s wings in flight”—of course I had to embellish this phrase a bit for my blog HAHA. I’ve been recording my thoughts elsewhere so I didn’t have much time to think about blogging.  

I’m not happy to say this but it’s got to be recorded somewhere. I was really really looking forward to my second semester of uni. The holidays couldn’t go any faster. When it was finally Feb, I went to school to check out my results. I was so excited. Can you blame me? For the first time in my life I had worked my butt off for school; pulling all nighters a few nights a week. The day I went though, the results were not yet out. I’d seen this info on a school whatsapp group, by the way.

I went another day that same week to see if my results were out. I did get great grades. I probably had a 5.0 GPA but one of my marks was missing so I had I think 4.6. And so school begun. My first class was ‘Introduction to Programming’. This was one of the more interesting classes I had that semester. No one really showed up for class that first day; it was only me and some other guy. This class was in a computer lab in the library; which for most part of the sem had no AC and in my abaya I mostly suffocated to death. Good times.  

Speaking of, I wore a lot of my abayas this time; as compared to last sem when I wore a lot of skirts and tops. I’m not sure I’ll ever go back to wearing skirts again LOL. I did wear jeans a couple of times; but only when I had school on Saturday. Not repeating that again. I got three new abayas for eid; I’m so ready to rock 2 of them. One is just way too fancy. There’s this one abaya I wore and my friend commented on it saying it seemed too fancy for school and I stopped wearing it again. It’s some kimono abaya that has darker horizontal silk bars on it. 

Some other classes I had were; Introduction to Sociology, Probability Theory and Statistics, System Analysis and Design, Discrete Mathematics and Technical Skills Development. Introduction to Sociology is honestly one of the dumbest classes I have ever done in my LIFE. It’s just teaching you about society, culture blah blah. I didn’t like this class and I didn’t go for a lot of the classes. Mostly because the lecturer was crass in a lot of ways and when he openly criticized Christianity, I was shocked. For some reason he thought I was actually away from the country and I didn’t bother correcting him. He gave me full attendance marks though hehe. 

Probabilty Theory and Statistics was originally timetabled for Wednesday but the lecturer changed it to Monday afternoon. He asked if it was ok and I agreed with him but boy, I shouldn’t have. Monday was packed with back to back classes and by the time it was time for Stat, I was tired as hell. And also, this class was managed poorly so we barely did any Probability theory. 

System Analysis and Design was a pretty lame class because the lecturer barely ever delivered satisfactory classes. I did great in this class, though. I studied a lot from ebooks because I had to counter the lame classes and get good grades. I actually did really good in a lot of the tests. 

Discrete Maths was a cool class; filled with maths and everything was just ok. Technical Skills Development on the other hand was just amazing. My goal is to become a web developer and this class was the foundation for my career. That’s why I enjoyed it so much. They had us learning HTML, CSS, Bootstrap but we started late so we didn’t get to learn Java and PHP. 

I had a blast with eating out this semester. I kept the pizzas to a minimum but behold the true amazing goodness in the world: CHIPS. I had a lot of chips for lunch. Especially on days I had class up to 5pm. I’ve mentioned this before on le blog, but my uni is literally in the middle of an explosion of nice restaurants. Speaking of which, one of the nicest restaurants in town just opened up a branch on top of my usual pizza place. That, my friends, is very good news. The chip place is some restaurant and take away called Bon Appetit, and bon appetit it was, mes amies! These chips were so tasty, God. They had chips packed in fresh in a disposable foil container with a bit of salad on the side and two sachets of ketchup. It was great, I tell you. I think I might have added a bit of weight from all that chips but meh.

I made some new friends this semester and they were really cool with some nice perspectives on life and its purpose. They helped me out a lot of times and there were some embarrassing moments but what can I say? You just don’t have the time to dwell on cringey things. I guess. *Silent plea for help* 

In addition to all the flowery yellow happiness, there is a general negative feeling. I feel I’ve been stupidly spending time and effort on people and things that bring me nothing in return. It’s been stupid and yesterday night I concluded that it’s not worth it. Being so invested in some people has brought me nothing but stress and discomfort. Momentary happiness is not worth it in the face of continued un-happiness. I believe this, but there’s a part of me that doesn’t listen no matter how hard I try. What is this irrational, rash and stupid part of me? I’m losing precious effort and time obeying it. But it doesn’t listen to me. 

In other deep philosophical musings, I acknowledge the fact that my religion is a concrete base and a pillar of my personality. But when I’m rebelling against religion, I’m just being a foolish idiot. I really did think I was grown and mature; but now I’m 20 and the epitome of childishness. When I was 17-18, I called my self a mature and responsible adult human being, but here I am in all my glorious two decades wondering if I’m really human?? I’m beginning to think I’m actually crazy. I’m angry and mad and annoyed at myself for being foolish. 

It’s going to be a long hard journey; but I’m willing to give it my all. There’s a difference between trying and giving your all. I’m going to do my best to become the person I want to be. I’m going to explore more topics on life and its purpose; how to live and how to exist, survive and thrive. Here’s to my new beginning. 

While we’re on the topic of new beginnings, a couple of days ago, I cut my wrist while chopping up a pineapple. It was the back of the knife that rammed into my wrist. Paranoia kicked in; I started feeling faint and dizzy and my vision started dimming so fast. My entire head felt ice-cold; I’m thinking because blood wasn’t rushing to my head. It wasn’t a bad cut; I just scraped a few layers of skin off. And with events like this my usual philosophical hat was back on and I was wondering if I fear death. I think I do. I have a lot left to be desired of me. Religion-wise and individually. 

Eid was nice this time round. My pictures came out nice, and I had a nice time at my uncle’s place with its nice gardens and general aesthetically pleasing scenery. The food was great and everything was just pleasant in all. Ramadan was great; but after Ramadan I felt a shift in the energy of the workings of my mind and body. Mostly I felt lazy to do a lot of the things that were easy for me BEFORE Ramadan. It was disconcerting, but I think I’m back to normal now. 

My sister let me use her amazing DSLR camera which here is a synonym for ‘super cool specs and stuff’ LOOOL I know nothing about photography and I switched the lens from auto to manual and I was wondering why my pictures were coming out blurry. I took a few pictures of my lil sis but mostly I like being a model while my lil sis snaps away. It’s nice having a new thing to do, checking out my nice pictures and stuff. 

In one of my last posts I talked about how I started reading self-improvement books and such. My latest read was ‘I am Malala’ and woah what a character she is! She’s literally my new hero. Such courage, daring and strength in one so young! I admire you, Malala. You’re amazing. The one thing not a lot of people know is that she was advocating for girl’s education waaaay before she was shot by the Taliban. She was internationally recognised and had won an international children’s peace prize. A lot of people think she’s a conspiracy but that doesn’t fit because she was already amazing and vocal about girls’ education. Two other girls in her van were shot but Malala was shot in the head. The two girls were also given good medical care and one even got a scholarship to Wales. It’s amazing really. If she can do so much, why not me? Why can’t I face my small world problems, beat my own mind? Work as hard as Malala, be a better person. Be the person I want to be.

What’s a new half year without some resolutions to get you through, hmm?

I want to spend my time on profitable ventures, not things that leach my time and energy with nothing in return. I want to accept and believe that the attention that I give myself is enough for me. I’m with myself. I’m pro-myself, and I’m team myself. There is no one out there that can show me the same attention I show myself, there is no one with me 24/7 except for myself.

Of course, this one thing had to be there. I haven’t lifted a dumbbell this whole year. I’m planning to get fitter after I finish fasting all the fasts I need to do. 

The Secret Writing Project is literally my life. Or at least it should be. I want to throw myself into rewarding ventures, and things that help me improve as an individual. I want to make this my life. I want to love this and make it the reason for my existence. The things I give precedence to are just shinier in comparison to others, but shine doesn’t mean anything. And in Islam we’re all about how this dunya is a ‘zeenah’ basically shiny things that catch your fantasy. I’m so mad at myself for becoming a dunya person recently. I began loving the dunya way too much. I want to be free of the things that make me attached to this dunya. I can’t believe all that I worked for is just crumbled down in a miserable heap. How could I do this to myself, man?

In addition to the Islamic view on life, this search is going to encompass a lot of views from different societies. I’m willing to be open about many things, to watch and study while being careful not to get too influenced by anything. I’m just here to collect some useful points and leave.

The way I am now is not something I’m overly proud of. Remember that part of me I said doesn’t listen to me? I haven’t declared war on it as yet. I’m either too scared or lazy to do that. I want to wholly be in control of myself. To not give in to things I’ve categorized as things I don’t do. I just want to live comfortably within myself. 

I read the English version of the Quran in Ramadan and it really opened my eyes to the fact that the Quran really does have a lot of answers you’re looking for. It’s a solace for lost souls like myself. Wallahi even if I have to wrench myself away with the strength of mountains from the person I am now to the dream person I want to be I know I can do it. I want to change, I want to be a better person. 

Well that's it for the first half of 2017. Goodbye, my dear, I had a good time, truly. In this next half of the year, I want to learn to be a good version of myself (I haven't found the best version yet). I refuse to make the same mistakes I made in the first half. I'm looking forward to writing the recap of the end of the year 2017, but not too soon. The prospect is creepy actually. I just want there to be so much learning and happiness for me.

So this Ramadan I decided to read the English translation of the Quran. I’m kinda ashamed of the number of times I’ve read the translation of the Holy Book of my religion from cover to cover.. Maybe once or twice, but I usually just pick out a chapter and read and reflect. In Ramadan, I usually read the Quran in Arabic, with translations, but I don’t usually reflect; I’m usually on a mad dash to finish reading the whole Quran; and I have to read two juz’s a day to cater for the week I won’t be fasting. 

I don’t know what motivated me to read only the English version this time; my sisters read it the last Ramadan, but I always felt like I needed to gain more rewards by reading the Arabic, and that’s what I did. I’m glad I’m reading the English this time round, though. I’ve been reading and reflecting the words of God, and I’ve replaced back some of the eemaan I lost since last Ramadan.

Every time there’s a verse mentioning forgiveness, I ask for forgiveness. Every time there’s a verse mentioning guidance, mercy or Jannah, I’m begging Allah to grant me all that. And whenever there’s a verse mentioning Hell Fire and punishment, I’m begging, begging Him, Allah don’t throw me into the Fire. 

It’s just got me thinking, I should have picked up the Quran during the most trying of times I faced. And I’ve learned my lesson; next time I’m facing a hardship, I’m going to pick up the Quran. Even when I’m NOT suffering, I’ll be reading the Quran. Allah just cares SO MUCH for me. He is SO Compassionate. Merciful, and All Forgiving. 

I really feel the absence of Shaytaan now that he’s locked away for Ramadan. My prayers are so peaceful; and I feel this emptiness where his toxic devious whispers would be.  That thought makes me feel soo creeped out. 

I’ve been sick for pretty much the entire first week of Ramadan; but I’m grateful it wasn’t that bad. Just a case of tonsillitis and sinitis with a bit of cough. I managed to pull through until I got meds. I barely ever have medicine; for example if I have a headache or cramps; I feel the pain—love the pain, lol. So I was really astonished with the speed with which it worked. 

For those of you who’ve been following my blog, TSWP (The Secret Writing Project) is going on in full swing. I was having so much trouble so much as sitting down to write something. But now that school’s over, I’m just cruising through. Who knew all I needed was a break from school to get motivated for my personal projects. 

Speaking of school, I’ve got exactly 3 months of holidays. Is that how long it is for everyone? I have no idea. But I have plans of learning how to drive at this big age of mine (20) and I hope my dad gets me a car so I can drive to college. It doesn’t sound desperate but I assure you, I’m so desperate to drive myself to school. I’m positive about the whole thing, though. And I’m almost never positive about anything. But this time I’m passionate about getting a car. *whisper-yells* GOD PLEASE.

That’s about it with this update. Can you believe its June, though? Half a year gone by. I don’t want to think about how fast the year’s gone. And I’m just seeing how much time of mine school occupies. Next semester I’m going to plan my time well—making sure I’m not expending too much energy on school. Last semester I didn’t plan my classes well.. I ended up paying too much attention to some courses and next to no attention to my statistics class.

THE POWER OF READING AND THE EFFECT OF THE LITTLE THINGS

Lately I’ve been thinking how much I’ve grown up. I actively WANT to be the best me in every way possible. And all this is without bitter tears; crying about how I want to change but can’t seem too? When I was 14, I wanted to be the best version of myself possible. This was after I read “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Teens”. I wanted to be efficient. I wanted to reach the “climax” of my existence (I have no idea why climax was the right word at that time.) I wanted to do everything in its right time; to study when I had to, eat when I had to and other such tasks of an average teen.

All that was hard and taxing to me at the time because I suppose, well, I was pretty lazy. Sorry not sorry, 14-year-old-self. I like to think that in a lot of ways I became a better person as the years went by. I have more self-discipline (even though I still can’t maintain a workout regimen that lasts more than 2 weeks) and everything that was hard then is so easy to me now. I have more priorities, just more things in my life now. I’m so grateful for all the blessings in my life. Wow, it just takes some looking back at how things used to be to see how far we’ve come.

I read a lot of fiction in my free time. Heck, I read fiction even when I have important things to do. And it does absolutely nothing to change my mental state or anything. Just a sense of detachment from reality for a few minutes. I’m a person that’s actively seeking ways to be a better version of myself. I say it a lot LOL that I found myself in early 2016 but in time it wasn’t enough for me. I had to keep searching. The search continues to this day. As a result of my ever-seeking mind, the way I interpret things is different from say my classmate who doesn’t care about the workings of the human mind and just lives.

I’d like to say I juice out vital information from a lot of things I’m exposed to (in contrast to calling myself gullible). Things like TED talks have a big impact on me, self development/help articles always leave me thinking and whenever I talk to sensible people, I gain a broader perspective of life.

But, the thing is, in a lot of ways, I keep running away from what truly benefits me. Whether it’s studying, or studying the Quran, or learning things just for the sake of improving my knowledge, I’ve noticed I just feel lazy. I can’t keep up with it for a long time compared to let’s say if I was reading an addictive novel.

I’ve concluded that running away from things is a sign of being young and wild. Which is why I think I’m growing up. I read a bit of ‘The Manipulated Man’ by Esther Vilar which, granted has nothing to do anything of my life (it’s basically a book about how women manipulate men—don’t come at me, I’m also supposed to be a feminist) and the thing is, I decided to be open-minded and read a bit of it. Suffice to say, I came out a changed person. And that’s not because I was converted into some kind of woman hater. I just picked out some content that was beneficial to my current mental state. It even had nothing to do with men.

Now, I stated it before I read a lot of fiction, and it affects me in a minute if nothing manner. It got mme thinking, if I can read a bit of some unrelated topic, and it affects me THIS much, then how about if I read things that will ACTUALLY help me? So I went on to get some books off the internet. Some are just short pdf’s, others are biographies. I’m currently reading ‘I Am Malala’ and ‘The Noticer’. I don’t even feel the need to read my current fiction read ‘Crooked Kingdom’ by Leigh Bardugo.

The other reason I say I’m growing up is because I ACTUALLY study these days. I sit down and study all my course modules. I recently finished my end of semester exams, and for most of them I didn’t even need an all-nighter. Although I realized too late that I would rather be fresh and half prepared than fully prepared and running on 2 hours-worth of sleep.  My actual thought was, ’I need to study NOW so I’m better prepared for my exams.’ I mean, who does that? (Yes, I know a lot of people do that but not ME. I’m a chronic last minute studier.)

The other thing I’ve come to realize lately is that the little things COUNT. Even though a lot of people may ignore them, question them, or outright be aggressive towards them. EVERY SINGLE THING has an effect. A subliminal effect. One that does have an effect on you; you just don’t see it, or it doesn’t matter; but it’s there all the same.

In other news, it’s Ramadan. I know I’m currently on a relatively lower part of the eemaan scale, but it’s so calm in my mind without Shaytan. It feels like the holy month alright, but I’m just not feeling the way I usually do. Also, I’m kinda sickish. My sinuses and tonsils have been acting up. Alhumdulillah I’ve been so healthy the whole year though. I’m always grateful for my health.

Ciao,

asi.

Why do I decide to write up a blog post whenever I have something due or FOR EXAMPLE WHEN I HAVE MY PROGRAMMING SEMESTER END EXAM TOMORROW. I’ve been coding up a few website designs for my Technical Skills Development class and I love this because I literally tune out the whole world and what are distractions for I have none. It’s just so peaceful for some few hours (no, the coding bit isn’t peaceful AT ALL its rigorous and grating and my fingers are a blur over my keyboard and my brain is scrambling) it’s just that I’m doing something that’s rewarding and it’s something I LOVE and want to do in the future. 

It just makes me forget about the world and everyone and the feeling is amazing. Makes me feel like I’m too busy and have actual goals in life (I DO. WHAT). Except now my eyes are fried because I stayed up late till 3am trying to fix the colours of my links. Makes me think.. if I dedicated myself to the things I love and actually commit myself to practicing and getting better, I wouldn’t have time to feel sorry for myself. I would be improving myself and forging the path ahead to enlightenment and glory. 

My former obsession Graphic Design… I feel like crying that I abandoned it for so long. It’s an actual passion of mine and I LOVE illustrating things. I can go 3 hours without checking the time just doing what I love. No use crying over spilled milk though. I’m here to say that I’M BACK. I’M HERE TO WHOLEHEARTEDLY SUPPORT MYSELF AND BE MY OWN MCM. I GOT MY BACK. 

The basic gist of this post is to say that youth is amazing and there is so much time to be alive. We have so much to do. Why be unoccupied with laziness when you can start being alive, jumping to do new things, abandoning them and picking up new things and learning new things every day. Immersing yourself in what you get joy in. Investing your precious time and effort into doing THINGS. THINGS. ALL THE THINGS.  

In other materialistic news, I got new lip colours. Gonna rock them .

I’m gonna get more active in my designing shebang bang. Peace.

Ahsea (Das the new way of spelling asi lol)