Hi!

I guess everyone wants to be rich. I mean, I never really think about it, but lately I’ve been thinking that I need to work harder. I need that mulla, baby! I want to have all the material things! All the clothes! Shoes! Jewellery! Bags! And alladat.

The thing is, I want to find something that really resonates within me. I was reading paperfury’sblog the other day, and she was going on about how she treats writing like a full time job. I think she even mentioned that she wrote an 18,000 page book in 3 days. Wow. That’s crazy.

I’m actually working on a short fiction piece that has just reached a slump. I don’t even have the file open. It’s been so long since I even looked at it. I don’t like that L I want to write it, and finish this whole project within 2 months.

It’s almost like I’m seeing a trend with my writing patterns now. Hmm. I usually get all hyped up, outline some basics on one page, and then wait for things to happen magically. Even if I do begin writing, it’s like within a few days I’m burnt out. I need some kind of motivation to keep going.

I guess it’s okay. I mean, I always end up finishing what I say I’ll do. Hmm… I think I’m getting somewhere. Sounds like… sounds like, I actually believe in myself. Whooop! I’m a person that always does what I say I’ll do. I GET THINGS DONE. You hear me? I think that’s one of my best traits.

Sometimes I think about how I’m not really doing a lot. I barely work hard. I just do the bare minimum. (This is not about school—it’s about my personal projects.) I do stuff, yes, but I don’t feel like I’m doing enough. It drives me crazy sometimes.

But you know what? I think that’s how things are here. I think that’s okay. If in the end everything works out, then that’s okay. It’s okay for me to go about my day doing the most mundane things. I think it’s fine. Some days I’ll be so pumped, motivated, I’ll get things done, but other days are just lazy-me time.

I think that’s okay. I think I’ll be fine. I mean, I’m passionate about writing, but just not as much as a lot of people. I didn’t even want to say that out loud because it makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong. It makes me feel like I’m admitting that I don’t like being a part of the club. But I do. I’m a writer too! Just… I’m a lot of other things too.

I think I need to just accept the flow sometimes. You know… I’m a person who’s always looking forward to the next amazing thing to happen to me. I want to do exciting things. I want to be excited about exciting things. The thrill, the ride. That’s the kind of person I am.

I don’t know if I’ll remember them 50 years from now, but I’ll definitely love the moment. Things like this, things that happen, they make a difference. They matter. The books you read, the people you meet, the things you do, they matter. Even if you don’t see it. They matter, just like the food you eat every day. You don’t think much about it, but it’s there, you know? Adding to your existence.

I think I get that rush from completing things. I don’t know about the journey, but I know that the end is always worth it. It makes me feel like I’m doing things. Accomplishing things. Adding to my list of memories I’ve hoarded.

Somehow, along the way, something happened. I think I was just crumbling apart from the inside. It was a slow process, but I reached one of the lowest points in my life. It wasn’t bad; because I was holding myself up most of the time. But I know deep down, I reached a bad place.

I lost sight of who I was. All my power, energy—it somehow just dissipated away. I’m still trying to recover. I guess my mind just got so weak to the point that I let anyone say anything about me—and worse yet, I actually believed them.

I’m trying to fix things. The best part is, I managed to hold myself up, and keep going forward. I think that I don’t need to think too much about some things. I can go with the flow sometimes, but deep down I know that I can’t settle. I can’t settle for mediocre things. I want all the good things. I’ll get them.

I’ll see you later.

Asi, The Boss Money Gurl

...just there…

After the emotional turmoil of a week I had, we had quite a calm after the proverbial storm (or is that the calm before the storm… never mind). I’ve been pretty stable this past week, and I’ve just been taking things calmly. Hence the title of this post ‘…just there…’ I’ve been just there. Not thinking too much, just being content with being just there.

Obviously I haven’t just been just there (ugh—so many “justs”), I’ve also been doing my usual productive things. One of my projects from TSWP (The Secret Writing Project) has hit some odd sort of writer’s block. I like what I’m doing but I got disinterested.

I recently read a book that really put things into perspective. I got this message from it: “Nothing is ever as it seems.” I think this applies to a lot of things in my life—I’m always assuming things, but they probably aren’t like that, ever.

I keep wanting to go on Instagram, and I know that it’s bad for my mental health. Today I really felt like going on there but I had to stop myself like, “Honey, no Instagram, please.” I’m telling ya, that stuff is NOT good for me. At all.

I kind of want to be a happy person, you know? Someone that just takes everything in stride, laughs things off, and is generally positive. I’m kind of not like that? I’m kind of a pessimistic person, and I always have snarky comments for what life hands me, and I have anger issues. I just… want to be there, you know? Being happy and positive. Why can’t I seem to?

I don’t know why some people hate it that I like school so much. First of all: It’s not as simple as ‘I like school. Yay! I wanna go EVERY day. Whoop! Rainbow! Daisies!’ Secondly: They probably don’t hate it, but they just want me to go to online college or something. The thing is, I like being outside home. I like being inside, too, for that matter, but I want to be OUSSIDE SOMETIMES you know? The people I’m talking about are my (2 of 3) sisters. They really made me feel bad about it. Yay.

Also about college, I have this odd thing of not wanting to disappoint anyone. By anyone I mean lecturers. I always, always attend classes, and I feel bad if I cut. Lecturers don’t even care! They don’t even think about me! Wow. Today, I didn’t go to uni because my uterus was carrying out some violent experiments without informing me #Rude. But guess what? My two other classmates didn’t go as well. At least I informed the lecturer before-hand.

The thing is, I don’t think I can make it to school tomorrow either. I was actually—get this—I was actually feeling bad that I was going to disappoint the lecturer because there’s not going to be any students in class tomorrow. My classmate said she’s sick. So I was thinking, omg I have to go tomorrow… there’s not gonna be anyone in class… that will be sad. I had to snap out of it. I mean, this is MY health we’re talking about here. So, I messaged the lecturer today and informed him I wouldn’t be attending in advance. I was just thinking—what the heck is up with me? Is that even legit? I was gonna haul ass to school because a lecturer is going to be disappointed? People don’t even go to school when they’re FINE. It’s crazy being me.

*Sigh*

Anyway. In other news, I opened up another blog. It’s about my writing journeys, etc, and honestly, I’ve been wanting to set up one for so long. It actually doesn’t cause any setbacks to Memoirs of Asi, they’re kind of just co-existing together. I think I’ll be able to run that blog for a good amount of time. It keeps me motivated to actually write. I started up a new project (I think I mentioned that earlier,) and yeah, it’s coming on quite well, and I have high hopes for it.

In other, other news, I just found something that really resonates! Because this is ME!!! Where has this word been my entire life? Just kidding—I’ve come across it before, but it’s just hitting how relatable!!!

(By the way, my screenshot is a bit dim because I have this new app on, it’s called f.lux, and I use it because my eyes hate the brightness lately.)

I know I added a lot of personal things in this post because, I mean, this is my personal journal, my creative space, I can do anything on here.

Hey, you.

Me.

They don’t know you like I do. I care about you more than anyone else in the entire world. I know all about you, more than anyone else in the whole wide world. I’m gonna be with you forever. I’ll never leave you. Ever. I love you, and want the best for you.

What they think is wrong. They don’t know ANYTHING about you. Whatever they say, is not true. I know you, and what I think is all that matters. NEVER think twice about what they say about you. They don’t even know HALF of what you’ve been through, what you’ve fought, what you’ve achieved.

How happy you’ve been. How much you’ve wanted to live. How much you’ve wanted to hoard memories. How much you’ve wanted to go for a calm drive in the quietest neighborhood. How much you’ve wanted to watch the stars forever.

All the clothes and shoes you’ve wanted. How you wanted to go for a professional manicure for the first time. How you just wanted to lie on the grass forever. How you just wanted to watch the sunset. How you just want to feel the wind on your skin.

How you love the sound of speeding cars. All the nights you cried yourself to sleep. And the one time you tried so hard not to cry and ended up dripping pure whole tears from your nose. How you never cared but lately you’ve started realizing how your teeth are badly misaligned.

All the dumbest stuff you’ve done. All the amazing things you’ve done. All the things you were passionate about. All the times you punched the walls. The art journal you had when you were 17. All the laughs you collected in imaginary jars.

The time you thought you could be perfect. The time you gave up. The time you grabbed yourself by the collar and shook yourself hard. The water that looked like sparkling diamonds. The stars you saw on the road. The times you got butt-hurt over the most trivial things.

The time you realized that there were things you were more scared of than jinns. The time you were the faster runner because you calculated 3x4 and took your slippers off during that race in the night when you were 6.  

The times when all you did was read YA fantasy. How you got disappointed in so many people. How you now want to be a whole new different. And I’ll make it happen. You won’t win this time. I’m taking things into my own hands. You’ll fight, but I want the best for you.

We tried all sorts of things. Fell into utter despair, but now it’s time for a NEW ERA MUAHHAHHAHAAHHAHA.

Anyway, I really cried writing some off the stuff above, but the thing is, I’m here to record that I’m going off my regular path. It’s not bringing me to the level I want to be. I won’t be changing a lot of stuff; I’ll just be adding a few new things to my lifestyle. I’m giving up on a few things, and trying out some old methods I used to implement in my life. The watered down version is that I’m going to be going back to some of my old ways. I never thought that would be possible, but here we are.

Listen, I’m not completely doing a 360 and going back. I can’t do that; it’s impossible, because I’ve come a long way, obviously. I’m just tired of how some aspects of my life are going, and I’m choosing to go back. No one’s probably going to notice, anyway. WHO EVEN READS MY BLOG? It’s not like I want you to. Bugger off. 

When I was 6, I had a teacher called Mrs. Agnes. She said that the devil lives in water. That included wash basin and sink drains (or any other drains). She definitely said something like that. For the longest time ever, I believed her. I’m actually embarrassed by how long I believed her for.

I saw evil in water swirling into a drain. This whole thing is comical because she was a Christian and I’m Muslim, and our beliefs vary in a lot of ways, one of which is the fact that (I’m pretty sure) in Islam the devil doesn’t hang out in the dark pipes that lead to hell (the sewer, but in this case we can say hell.)

I didn’t have to believe her. I shouldn’t have. Because A) Our religions were different, B) She probably didn’t know what she was talking about, and C) I probably didn’t hear her right.

I believe a lot of things people tell me. Some people actually tell me they like messing with me (telling me wrong information with a dead straight face) and I actually believe them. I came across the word ‘impressionable’ (I didn’t exactly stumble upon it in my nightly reading—one of my friends told me to ‘stop being so damn impressionable’) and when I realized I actually was so damn impressionable, I set out to try to not be so damn impressionable.

I get really influenced by things. I can easily get swayed with new beliefs. Recently I self-diagnosed myself with a mental disorder. That was terrible. But it really made sense in a lot of ways. Or was I just being impressionable?

I’ve probably painted this picture of me in your head: me, chewing at my nails, eyebrows scrunched together in apprehension, and probably wearing an over-sized cable-knit sweater.

The thing is, lately I haven’t been like that. I’ve been being strong. I don’t easily believe what people say. Especially what they say about me. (Most of my social interactions occur at school and when I say ‘people,’ or ‘they,’ I mean people from school.) How, pray tell, does someone know me better than I know myself? What is even more laughable is the fact that I’m a whole other person at school. I’m definitely always wearing a mask, an alternate persona, because I’m not comfortable at school. There are so many people and germs coexisting freely for me to pretend I’m at home.

Speaking of school, in my last post I wrote up a list of college resolutions and I’m sad to say that I broke all of them. I followed through with exactly none of them. Zilch. Nada. Somehow, when the time came, everything was so different. I could sit at home mulling over how I was going to react in a certain situation, and yet when it actually happened, everything was totally different. Like how I could never say no to chips. At all.

This taught me a big lesson: Worry about something when you actually get there. Stop scripting your act like a freaking YouTuber. It’s probably going to be entirely different from what you imagined. You’re not taking into consideration a multitude of external factors, including the fact that you have NO IDEA what another person is thinking at that moment. It’s probably the exact opposite of what you think they’re thinking.

In other news, do I REALLY care what people think of me? You can never know if someone judged you wrong. Besides, even if they did, they missed out on the chance of getting to know an amazing individual (moi.) It doesn’t really matter what strangers think of you, because in the end, all that matters is that there are people that accept you for who you are. And those are the only people that matter.

I’ll be honest. Lately I’ve been thinking of how much of a wholesome person I am. You’ll be lucky to meet someone else like me. I’m pretty awesome. In a non-conventional sort of way. And I like that. I have a lot of flaws, too, and I accept that. A lot of the times I’m even proud of my flaws (no, I’m not but we can pretend).

Anyway. I probably won’t get anything up on this here blog for a while so I’m going to turn this post into a life update post. So… yeah. I started uni. It’s being okay, I guess. I have some classes I really like. Like how to use java and stuff. I love that I’m doing Computer Science, guys. It’s so interesting and fun.

Life at home is great too. Hashtag Gratitude. We had around 5 pizzas this week (the stats are fooling you, it was just 2 days, and 2 tiny free pizzas). Is it odd that pizzas make my life so much better? LOL what am I saying. There must have been a glitch in the running somewhere in my brain. (NOT. Brain, sweetie, you’re amazing.)

In other news, my sister refused to give me some of her pasta and suddenly I had bruises on my knuckles (I did NOT punch the wall.) I also threw my notebook in rage and ruined it. The last remaining four pages got ripped off. Not that I’m complaining though, I was getting tired of writing in that notebook. It’s just that I haven’t lost control of my temper like that IN A WHILE. Wow. I didn’t see red, people. I saw white-hot fury. I had to lie on my bed with my face on my pillow to cool off. Someone was gone die, friends.

Anyway, that’s it for this instalment in the memoirs of asi (that’s me!) I’ll see you next time with another episode in the crazy (lol) life of Asi.

(PS: My life is not crazy)

BYYYYYYYE!!!!

Hi, everyone. It’s your fave avocado here again. I hope y’all good today.

Today I’m going to be writing up some college resolutions (I don’t know why I sound like a youtuber right now.)

Anyway, I just started college again. I’m doing a Bachelor of Science in Computer Science, and I’m in Year 2, Semester 1. I’ve been in college for a year now and I want to keep some rules (resolutions) for the new year in writing so I can follow them, and I’m gonna put in place some strict ramifications in case I break the laws. The guillotine is one of them. (Just kidding)

So, I’ve already been going for a week now, and everyone else is just one of those losers that doesn’t show up on the first week. I have attended a few classes, but some of the lecturers are one of those losers that doesn’t show up on the first week.

Ok, I’ll get to the list of resolutions now:

I wasn’t going to add this here because it’s a given, but then I felt guilty because what’s college resolutions without any academic goals? I don’t have much to say here because I’m a really good student and I get top notch marks without even trying (definitely showing off) I mean, I have every right to brag about stuff CUZ THIS IS MY BLOG AND I CAN DO WHATEVER. Ahem.

I mean for The Secret Writing Project to always be my main activity in my life. (Even though it’s not really.) It’s one of the major objectives in life. I take it seriously but sometimes it’s a hustle. But I’m a hustler, baby. *winks*

I want to concentrate on my writing because it gives me this sense of accomplishment and it also gives me confidence. I want to practise writing and keep getting better and better. I want to put my writing above school because I don’t want to give school a lot of importance. I’ll be honest with you: when I mean school, I mean the social aspect of school. More on that later though.

I’m going to cut down on those damn chips. They’re so amazing but this time I’m not going to be eating them, then coming home and hogging a plate of my ma’s yummy lunch. That’s like double calories. I have to go to the new café that opened near school, though, so…

There is no time for tolerating dumb things this year. If it’s destroying my calmness, it’s gotta go, yo. I’m not giving anyone time, if they not giving ME time. I’m putting no effort for no one in this house. I’m not letting anyone make me think I’m someone I’m not. Also, I’m not responsible for what people think of me. I done my job, done my best to give a good impression and if you thinking dumb stuff, hoe bye.

I’m not putting effort for my own stuff and giving it to lil miss lame-o who doesn’t even show up to class. (just an example) Harnessing the power of saying no. I actually did that last semester. I straight up said NO. It felt so amazing, honestly. So, no. No handing out my hard earned work. Ain’t got time.

My reading list is going to consist of great reads like the one I’m currently reading: Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion. The books I’m reading these days are so informative and are helping me to break out of really illogical mindsets that I’m only NOW realizing I have. Honestly, social media is dumb. It makes you believe the dumbest things. It makes you pick up really dumb concepts from life. I’m also reading the one book I absolutely LOVED when I was 16, which is The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Teens.

Summer ’17 has been an amazing experience. And no, I didn’t travel or anything. I just looked within me and realized so many amazing things about myself. I understood that I am worth everything good for the sole reason that I exist. I am a queen, and I stand for no nonsense. I can’t let myself be treated wrong, and I’ve broken out of some deeply rooted mindsets that are so harmful for me. I learned a lot about emotions, that they are just chemical reactions.

I finally accepted my body the way it is. This is how I am, and I’m grateful. I can’t complain about my fats if I’m not doing anything about it. The main thing that made me truly accept my amazing body is the fact that I’m whole; uninjured and healthy. Just imagine you had a huge cut on your face that’s puckered and raw all the time—you would be grateful to have just a plain face. Same applies to your body—imagine you had an accident or you had a disease that started destroying your body. If you’re healthy, be grateful. There are people that have it worse than us. We should be grateful.

My self-worth and confidence really took a good turn. I realized that I don’t need to do anything or own anything to be worthy. Just my existence is enough. The fact that you exist, is your answer. There is no one better than me as a whole. Maybe they’re better than me at calculating stuff or something but no one is better than another person.

Also, the fact that physical attractiveness is not everything. All it serves as is a way for guys to notice you. And girls, too—they’ll start comparing themselves to you. Don’t feel pressured to look pretty, beautiful, whatever. Don’t hate your face. This is the face God gave you, and He decided this is the best way for you to look for your life’s purpose. Seriously, be grateful that your face is whole and beautiful the way it is. Imagine you got an injury in your face that never healed and now everyone looks twice at you and it’s your defining character. Be grateful it’s not worse.

So basically, I’m pretty much ready for this new semester. I’m going to make good decisions, and be strong. I’m going to do good things, productive things, and not concentrate too much on people and alladat. Seriously, why you gotta think about people yet when you meet them everything is going to be different and you won’t act the way you practiced?

In short, I ain’t got time, and couldn’t be bothered.

Till next time,

It’s your girl asi. 

The truth is, maybe I truly love myself. Sometimes my dreams pour into reality; and what I feel in the dream spills into my waking thoughts. So, today I felt, maybe I love myself. I do everything I can to make myself a better person. I keep myself company, I argue with my own thoughts, I try to make myself feel better. I just want the best for myself. Maybe sometimes I’m the tough coach that gets you to do 100 push-ups just so you can get stronger biceps, and maybe some days I’m the calm therapist that listens without judgement. Ok, a lot of the days I receive the coach treatment from myself.

I think I’m on the path to accepting that the only person I need to prove myself to, is my own self. My self-worth comes from within, my validation, from my own thoughts. It’s no doubt that I’ve come a long way from the pessimistic, victim-mentality teen I was. My journey hasn’t been your typical one, and the one advice I could give myself back then would be to read self-help books.

When I was 17-18, I had my religious resurgence, and I thought it was wrong to read fiction. My reasoning was that rather then doing something like reading fiction, you should be doing something that will add better to religion. So, reading fiction was like a guilty pleasure. I read a lot when I was 19, but I still felt this way.

Whenever I would read fiction, I felt dissociated from real life; for a few minutes I wouldn’t be fully present in the real world. A lot of the times when I would take a break to pray, my prayers wouldn’t be all that great. That’s one of the major reasons why reading fiction gave me this restricted feeling.

On the internet, social media and stuff, I met some muslim girls that were into reading books. Somehow I thought you weren’t supposed to. Maybe like you could do it in private, but never announce it out and tell the world. Slowly, I decided it wasn’t all that bad. And I when I figured this out, I started reading less and less. You know how when you think of something as forbidden, it appeals more to you? I’m looking at you, Adam and Eve.

It’s only recently, however, that I got into non-fiction. I read books like ‘I am Malala’ and snippets of autobiographies. I really like biographies. I want to be a better person. I want to hack into my mind and control my emotions. It helps that recently I started learning that emotions and feelings are just chemicals squirted by the brain into the bloodstream. The ‘amygdala’ is an almond shaped mass of grey matter inside each cerebral hemisphere that makes us experience emotion.

Miraculous, isn’t it? However, there is a rational part of our brains that we must use to counter the effects of the amygdala. You can’t even trust emotions, by the way. They are usually there to protect you from dangerous situations, and these are supposed to be attacks from predators or stuff like that. Instinctual reactions, that’s all they are. As higher-level beings, we have to recognize the trap of these emotions and counter them.

You choose how you feel in the face of these emotions. They can be controlled. There’s this book that I read when I was 16; ‘The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Teens’, I didn’t read the full of it, but I LOVED it. I wanted to buy it but somehow that didn’t happen. I should have realized then that I really liked self-help books. Anyway I got a copy of that book and I’m currently reading it.

In one of the parts it says, ‘No one can affect you unless you let them.’ I’m doing my best to work with that. Somehow I feel like I’m betraying my body by going against my emotions. I have no idea why.

I just took a break from this and my brain just told me it’s not true. I’m not betraying my body. It was weird. I just got a single pure thought, ‘I don’t think it’s like that.’ My brain literally just talked to me. Wow.

In the end, I think, I really love myself. I want to be the best. I want to be better than other people. But as they say, Comparison is the thief of joy. From today, every time I think some other girl is cooler than me, I’m going to tell myself it’s because I love my self so much that I want to be better than that person. But I probably am. I have so much love for myself that I fail to see how cool I am, because I want to push myself to be better, better.

I’m not an empty canvas; I’m splattered with unruly colors on one side, a beautiful master-piece on the other. A few misplaced but symmetrically aesthetic pieces scattered all over. Besides, ‘coolness’ is subjective. We’ve all been conditioned to accept one type of coolness, but you know what? I’m unsubscribing from this. It’s not fair. I don’t want to be cool in that way anyway. I have my own quirks and nice bits of my personality, and that’s all that matters.

All that matters is my authenticity. I’m so grateful that in my life I have productive, helpful things that I do. For example, I have my blog, my graphic design, and these give me a sense of purpose, achievement, and fulfilment. A lot of the time I feel like my fiction reading amounts to nothing—but that’s not true at all. It gives me new vocab, ideas, new experiences and I can draw a leson or two from it.

Sometimes when people disregard us and our opinions, or the things we do, we actually believe them. You shouldn’t. They know nothing! For example, if someone on the street shouted, ‘You have an ugly brain!’ Does that mean it’s true? Hell, no! They don’t even know what your brain looks like, or all the amazing things it does for you. You don’t get to believe whatever people say about you. At all. They may seem to have an ‘outsider’s perspective’ or whatever, but you do not, and I repeat DO NOT get to believe them! That’s their own loser opinion.

This has happened to me so many times. People say uninformed things about me, and I just cast my gaze down and accept it. And even if it’s not true, it becomes true because I believe it. No one can judge you. An old cliché, right? But it’s true. No one has any right to tell you what is not true about yourself.

Just like people are wrong about you, you have to accept that your perspective of others is wrong sometimes. I mean, you never know when you’re thinking the wrong thing. Some things can be excused but never let anyone take advantage of you or mistreat you.

What are you supposed to do to earn your worth? What makes you worthy? What makes you deserve the best? Nothing, that’s what. Your existence is reason enough. I know this might not snap you into believing you are worth it, but you need to know this. No one person deserves something over you. You are worth it. You are worth all the good things and deserve the best. Because you are human and you exist. Nothing else.

 Wow. This post started out as something else and ended up being some kind of advice forum. This isn’t even written in my usual memoirs of asi voice, but it’s coming from deep within. I think when you start looking to be a better person, things come to you. It’s probably like that for any new thing you start on. For example, say you started becoming interested in archaeology, and you see that kind of stuff popping up all around you. Maybe you just start noticing things more.

That’s all from me for now. See you, and don’t forget to be awesome!

Asi. 

Hi, everyone.

It’s been quiet here around the memoirs, and that’s because I’ve been working on some stuff. I’ve also been adding more information to my knowledge arsenal; and debating whether I should write up a fiction novel.

I think a lot of the time; at the back of our heads, we know what we truly want from life. We may feel directionless, but really in that obscure part of your mind you just KNOW what you want from life. (Ugh I just voiced this out to my sister and she said, “No, I donno what I want.”) I WAS ON TO SOMETHING HERE.

Last year, when I was making a magazine for my design project, I decided to fill up two pages with an epic fantasy short story; except it wasn’t a short story? It was more of a tiny snippet, and I had no idea where it was going. My siblings read it and were mind blown. I also showed it to one of my friends who agreed that it was most riveting. The thing is, I have actually never written a single fiction story. Even though I’m sure I could write an amazing one—given that I have read a very good amount of novels.

Anyway, the story was about a girl called Sarsarai, who’s kind of like a Baba Yaga, but prettier I guess? She lives in the middle of a forest, and she’s like a guardian over some village. Kind of like a Brom, waiting for kids with magical powers to come to her. YO DON’T STEAL MY STORY OK. Moving on.. While I was writing this story I was trying to add a bit of myself to Sarsarai? I don’t know if I managed it. As I went on to college, I became flooded by how different people viewed me, and I allowed myself to believe what they thought I was.

I’m a fiery being, a force to be reckoned with! A roiling being of emotion and passion! A strong independent person with a dream for greatness. Why must I conform to what mere mortals suggest I am?! Gulp.

That’s a topic for this post, though. I have a goal, and maybe a lot of the time I forget all about it, maybe sometimes I don’t care about it, but it’s always there, swimming at the edges of my thoughts, leaving a heady sense I can’t explain. (And by sense, I mean sense of smell, touch, hearing etc) I want to achieve things. I want to make a mark. I want to earn money.

I go through SO many thoughts in a day. And by many, I mean a TON. My feelings and emotions change SO fast; and I’m researching into this lately. Trying to find ways of controlling how impulsive I am. I can feel one way about something, and the next day it’s completely different. I told myself that all my thoughts, feelings and emotions are valid—but what is real? What’s the actual way I feel about something?

So, in order to keep sight of what’s important, I’m making a list of how I feel about things. A very moral, good view on things, something I can consult when I’m feeling overwhelmed. When I lose track, to remember my goals and dreams, and all that matters in the end. To believe in myself.

In other news, I’ve been researching hormones and mental disorders. A lot of other stuff, too. But mostly mental disorders. It’s crazy how it started. I just came across a pdf document (I don’t remember clicking on it) and started reading through the complex stuff they had on there. A lot of the time, we think we’re the only ones suffering through something, but that’s not true. There are people who’ve felt the same way as you. After all, emotions are just chemical reactions. Can you believe that, though? I had no idea. Hatred is a result of the brain squirting a chemical? Astounding is what it is.

And that’s how I started looking into feel-good hormones. Now I’m not showing off (I totally am) but here’s a list of happy hormones;

All this actually made me question my entire existence. I mean, come on—chemicals? I even thought emotions were all in the mind! This, however, is a game changer. I don’t really think about my brain; it’s just used for calculations and stuff, but the thing is, the brain does everything for us (*cough* excuse me, I’ll be right with you—need to google more about the brain)

Ok, so. The brain is the ‘boss’ of the body. Never mind that I got this information off a kiddie website. Everything is the brain. Wut. All we do IS THE BRAIN. I’M HAVING AN EPIPHANY HERE. Every single thing you do is the brain aaaasjddjflg. Even when you’re thinking about the brain, it’s actually the brain doing all that. THE BRAIN NAMED ITSELF BRAIN.

Anyways, in the whole reading world, I’ve been looking for more quality reads than ever before. I got myself the kindle app, and even though I don’t really buy anything, I sampled a few biographies and I actually like them. I’ve been looking for self-help and such. Most of all, however, I’ve been using my laptop, and this means I’ve been browsing a lot of topics. (In contrast to reading on my phone, which usually means I’m reading fantasy.)

I did write up a post on the half yearly recap and stuff; and I’m re-cementing the resolutions I laid down for myself. There’s things I need to accomplish before the year ends. I want to have façade of being in control this time round. And by ‘this time round’, you can bet I mean college. My second year of college starts in about 20 days, and I can assure you, I’m not interested in lounging around school. I’m going to be whipping in and out; after all, now I have a sense of what I want to be. (I used to think I had to prove myself to people but what the heck—I have a life. Now, I realise. I have goals and dreams and projects outside of school. I’m not just a student. Before I’m a student, I’m a bunch of things.  For example, I have this amazing blog! Yes! Have to fix this renegade coding, though.) I’m a river raging with energy, I can’t just invest that in only school! Thank God, my eyes are finally open.

 Keep being awesome,

-asi