Hi, fellow
avocado smoothies.
It’s been a
while; I know. I’ve been working on TSWP (The Secret Writing Project) and many
more things. My blog will always be my number one baby. (Maybe if I say this it
will become true-er) *Heaves a great sigh* Life has been a kaleidoscope of ever
changing situations and emotions. As I recently described it, “Life is changing
faster than the fluttering of an insect’s wings in flight”—of course I had to
embellish this phrase a bit for my blog HAHA. I’ve been recording my thoughts
elsewhere so I didn’t have much time to think about blogging.
Uni life
I’m not
happy to say this but it’s got to be recorded somewhere. I was really
really looking forward to my second semester of uni. The holidays couldn’t go
any faster. When it was finally Feb, I went to school to check out my results.
I was so excited. Can you blame me? For the first time in my life I had worked
my butt off for school; pulling all nighters a few nights a week. The day I
went though, the results were not yet out. I’d seen this info on a school
whatsapp group, by the way.
I went
another day that same week to see if my results were out. I did get great
grades. I probably had a 5.0 GPA but one of my marks was missing so I had I
think 4.6. And so school begun. My first class was ‘Introduction to
Programming’. This was one of the more interesting classes I had that semester.
No one really showed up for class that first day; it was only me and some other
guy. This class was in a computer lab in the library; which for most part of
the sem had no AC and in my abaya I mostly suffocated to death. Good times.
Speaking
of, I wore a lot of my abayas this time; as compared to last sem when I wore a
lot of skirts and tops. I’m not sure I’ll ever go back to wearing skirts again
LOL. I did wear jeans a couple of times; but only when I had school on
Saturday. Not repeating that again. I got three new abayas for eid; I’m so
ready to rock 2 of them. One is just way too fancy. There’s this one abaya I
wore and my friend commented on it saying it seemed too fancy for school and I
stopped wearing it again. It’s some kimono abaya that has darker horizontal
silk bars on it.
Some other
classes I had were; Introduction to Sociology, Probability Theory and
Statistics, System Analysis and Design, Discrete Mathematics and Technical
Skills Development. Introduction to Sociology is honestly one of the dumbest
classes I have ever done in my LIFE. It’s just teaching you about society,
culture blah blah. I didn’t like this class and I didn’t go for a lot of the
classes. Mostly because the lecturer was crass in a lot of ways and when he
openly criticized Christianity, I was shocked. For some reason he thought I was
actually away from the country and I didn’t bother correcting him. He gave me
full attendance marks though hehe.
Probabilty
Theory and Statistics was originally timetabled for Wednesday but the lecturer
changed it to Monday afternoon. He asked if it was ok and I agreed with him
but boy, I shouldn’t have. Monday was packed with back to back classes and by
the time it was time for Stat, I was tired as hell. And also, this class was
managed poorly so we barely did any Probability theory.
System
Analysis and Design was a pretty lame class because the lecturer barely ever
delivered satisfactory classes. I did great in this class, though. I studied a
lot from ebooks because I had to counter the lame classes and get good grades.
I actually did really good in a lot of the tests.
Discrete
Maths was a cool class; filled with maths and everything was just ok. Technical
Skills Development on the other hand was just amazing. My goal is to become a
web developer and this class was the foundation for my career. That’s why I
enjoyed it so much. They had us learning HTML, CSS, Bootstrap but we started
late so we didn’t get to learn Java and PHP.
Food
I had a
blast with eating out this semester. I kept the pizzas to a minimum but behold
the true amazing goodness in the world: CHIPS. I had a lot of chips for lunch.
Especially on days I had class up to 5pm. I’ve mentioned this before on le
blog, but my uni is literally in the middle of an explosion of nice restaurants.
Speaking of which, one of the nicest restaurants in town just opened up a
branch on top of my usual pizza place. That, my friends, is very good news. The
chip place is some restaurant and take away called Bon Appetit, and bon appetit
it was, mes amies! These chips were so tasty, God. They had chips packed in
fresh in a disposable foil container with a bit of salad on the side and two
sachets of ketchup. It was great, I tell you. I think I might have added a bit
of weight from all that chips but meh.
Friends
I made some
new friends this semester and they were really cool with some nice perspectives
on life and its purpose. They helped me out a lot of times and there were some
embarrassing moments but what can I say? You just don’t have the time to dwell
on cringey things. I guess. *Silent plea for help*
In addition
to all the flowery yellow happiness, there is a general negative feeling. I
feel I’ve been stupidly spending time and effort on people and things that
bring me nothing in return. It’s been stupid and yesterday night I concluded
that it’s not worth it. Being so invested in some people has brought me nothing
but stress and discomfort. Momentary happiness is not worth it in the face of
continued un-happiness. I believe this, but there’s a part of me that doesn’t
listen no matter how hard I try. What is this irrational, rash and stupid part
of me? I’m losing precious effort and time obeying it. But it doesn’t listen to
me.
In other
deep philosophical musings, I acknowledge the fact that my religion is a
concrete base and a pillar of my personality. But when I’m rebelling against
religion, I’m just being a foolish idiot. I really did think I was grown and
mature; but now I’m 20 and the epitome of childishness. When I was 17-18, I
called my self a mature and responsible adult human being, but here I am in all
my glorious two decades wondering if I’m really human?? I’m beginning to think
I’m actually crazy. I’m angry and mad and annoyed at myself for being foolish.
It’s going
to be a long hard journey; but I’m willing to give it my all. There’s a
difference between trying and giving your all. I’m going to do my best
to become the person I want to be. I’m going to explore more topics on life and
its purpose; how to live and how to exist, survive and thrive. Here’s to my new
beginning.
While we’re
on the topic of new beginnings, a couple of days ago, I cut my wrist while
chopping up a pineapple. It was the back of the knife that rammed into my
wrist. Paranoia kicked in; I started feeling faint and dizzy and my vision
started dimming so fast. My entire head felt ice-cold; I’m thinking because
blood wasn’t rushing to my head. It wasn’t a bad cut; I just scraped a few
layers of skin off. And with events like this my usual philosophical hat was
back on and I was wondering if I fear death. I think I do. I have a lot left to
be desired of me. Religion-wise and individually.
Eid
Eid was
nice this time round. My pictures came out nice, and I had a nice time at my
uncle’s place with its nice gardens and general aesthetically pleasing scenery.
The food was great and everything was just pleasant in all. Ramadan was great;
but after Ramadan I felt a shift in the energy of the workings of my mind and
body. Mostly I felt lazy to do a lot of the things that were easy for me BEFORE
Ramadan. It was disconcerting, but I think I’m back to normal now.
Photography
My sister
let me use her amazing DSLR camera which here is a synonym for ‘super cool
specs and stuff’ LOOOL I know nothing about photography and I switched the lens
from auto to manual and I was wondering why my pictures were coming out blurry.
I took a few pictures of my lil sis but mostly I like being a model while my
lil sis snaps away. It’s nice having a new thing to do, checking out my nice
pictures and stuff.
Reading
In one of
my last posts I talked about how I started reading self-improvement books and
such. My latest read was ‘I am Malala’ and woah what a character she is! She’s
literally my new hero. Such courage, daring and strength in one so young! I
admire you, Malala. You’re amazing. The one thing not a lot of people know is
that she was advocating for girl’s education waaaay before she was shot by the
Taliban. She was internationally recognised and had won an international
children’s peace prize. A lot of people think she’s a conspiracy but that
doesn’t fit because she was already amazing and vocal about girls’ education.
Two other girls in her van were shot but Malala was shot in the head. The two
girls were also given good medical care and one even got a scholarship to
Wales. It’s amazing really. If she can do so much, why not me? Why can’t I face
my small world problems, beat my own mind? Work as hard as Malala, be a better
person. Be the person I want to be.
Resolutions
What’s a
new half year without some resolutions to get you through, hmm?
·
Use my time well
I want to spend my time on profitable ventures,
not things that leach my time and energy with nothing in return. I want to
accept and believe that the attention that I give myself is enough for
me. I’m with myself. I’m pro-myself, and I’m team myself. There is no one out
there that can show me the same attention I show myself, there is no one with
me 24/7 except for myself.
·
Work out
Of course,
this one thing had to be there. I haven’t lifted a dumbbell this whole year.
I’m planning to get fitter after I finish fasting all the fasts I need to
do.
·
TSWP
The Secret
Writing Project is literally my life. Or at least it should be. I want to throw
myself into rewarding ventures, and things that help me improve as an
individual. I want to make this my life. I want to love this and make it the
reason for my existence. The things I give precedence to are just shinier in
comparison to others, but shine doesn’t mean anything. And in Islam we’re all
about how this dunya is a ‘zeenah’ basically shiny things that catch your
fantasy. I’m so mad at myself for becoming a dunya person recently. I began
loving the dunya way too much. I want to be free of the things that make me
attached to this dunya. I can’t believe all that I worked for is just crumbled
down in a miserable heap. How could I do this to myself, man?
·
Search high and low for the meaning of life
In addition
to the Islamic view on life, this search is going to encompass a lot of views
from different societies. I’m willing to be open about many things, to watch
and study while being careful not to get too influenced by anything. I’m just
here to collect some useful points and leave.
·
Work towards a version of myself I’m proud of
The way I
am now is not something I’m overly proud of. Remember that part of me I said
doesn’t listen to me? I haven’t declared war on it as yet. I’m either too
scared or lazy to do that. I want to wholly be in control of myself. To not
give in to things I’ve categorized as things I don’t do. I just want to live
comfortably within myself.
·
Read the Quran
I read the
English version of the Quran in Ramadan and it really opened my eyes to the
fact that the Quran really does have a lot of answers you’re looking for. It’s
a solace for lost souls like myself. Wallahi even if I have to wrench myself
away with the strength of mountains from the person I am now to the dream
person I want to be I know I can do it. I want to change, I want to be a better
person.
Well that's it for the first half of 2017. Goodbye, my dear, I had a good time, truly. In this next half of the year, I want to learn to be a good version of myself (I haven't found the best version yet). I refuse to make the same mistakes I made in the first half. I'm looking forward to writing the recap of the end of the year 2017, but not too soon. The prospect is creepy actually. I just want there to be so much learning and happiness for me.
