Hi!

I guess everyone wants to be rich. I mean, I never really think about it, but lately I’ve been thinking that I need to work harder. I need that mulla, baby! I want to have all the material things! All the clothes! Shoes! Jewellery! Bags! And alladat.

The thing is, I want to find something that really resonates within me. I was reading paperfury’sblog the other day, and she was going on about how she treats writing like a full time job. I think she even mentioned that she wrote an 18,000 page book in 3 days. Wow. That’s crazy.

I’m actually working on a short fiction piece that has just reached a slump. I don’t even have the file open. It’s been so long since I even looked at it. I don’t like that L I want to write it, and finish this whole project within 2 months.

It’s almost like I’m seeing a trend with my writing patterns now. Hmm. I usually get all hyped up, outline some basics on one page, and then wait for things to happen magically. Even if I do begin writing, it’s like within a few days I’m burnt out. I need some kind of motivation to keep going.

I guess it’s okay. I mean, I always end up finishing what I say I’ll do. Hmm… I think I’m getting somewhere. Sounds like… sounds like, I actually believe in myself. Whooop! I’m a person that always does what I say I’ll do. I GET THINGS DONE. You hear me? I think that’s one of my best traits.

Sometimes I think about how I’m not really doing a lot. I barely work hard. I just do the bare minimum. (This is not about school—it’s about my personal projects.) I do stuff, yes, but I don’t feel like I’m doing enough. It drives me crazy sometimes.

But you know what? I think that’s how things are here. I think that’s okay. If in the end everything works out, then that’s okay. It’s okay for me to go about my day doing the most mundane things. I think it’s fine. Some days I’ll be so pumped, motivated, I’ll get things done, but other days are just lazy-me time.

I think that’s okay. I think I’ll be fine. I mean, I’m passionate about writing, but just not as much as a lot of people. I didn’t even want to say that out loud because it makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong. It makes me feel like I’m admitting that I don’t like being a part of the club. But I do. I’m a writer too! Just… I’m a lot of other things too.

I think I need to just accept the flow sometimes. You know… I’m a person who’s always looking forward to the next amazing thing to happen to me. I want to do exciting things. I want to be excited about exciting things. The thrill, the ride. That’s the kind of person I am.

I don’t know if I’ll remember them 50 years from now, but I’ll definitely love the moment. Things like this, things that happen, they make a difference. They matter. The books you read, the people you meet, the things you do, they matter. Even if you don’t see it. They matter, just like the food you eat every day. You don’t think much about it, but it’s there, you know? Adding to your existence.

I think I get that rush from completing things. I don’t know about the journey, but I know that the end is always worth it. It makes me feel like I’m doing things. Accomplishing things. Adding to my list of memories I’ve hoarded.

Somehow, along the way, something happened. I think I was just crumbling apart from the inside. It was a slow process, but I reached one of the lowest points in my life. It wasn’t bad; because I was holding myself up most of the time. But I know deep down, I reached a bad place.

I lost sight of who I was. All my power, energy—it somehow just dissipated away. I’m still trying to recover. I guess my mind just got so weak to the point that I let anyone say anything about me—and worse yet, I actually believed them.

I’m trying to fix things. The best part is, I managed to hold myself up, and keep going forward. I think that I don’t need to think too much about some things. I can go with the flow sometimes, but deep down I know that I can’t settle. I can’t settle for mediocre things. I want all the good things. I’ll get them.

I’ll see you later.

Asi, The Boss Money Gurl

...just there…

After the emotional turmoil of a week I had, we had quite a calm after the proverbial storm (or is that the calm before the storm… never mind). I’ve been pretty stable this past week, and I’ve just been taking things calmly. Hence the title of this post ‘…just there…’ I’ve been just there. Not thinking too much, just being content with being just there.

Obviously I haven’t just been just there (ugh—so many “justs”), I’ve also been doing my usual productive things. One of my projects from TSWP (The Secret Writing Project) has hit some odd sort of writer’s block. I like what I’m doing but I got disinterested.

I recently read a book that really put things into perspective. I got this message from it: “Nothing is ever as it seems.” I think this applies to a lot of things in my life—I’m always assuming things, but they probably aren’t like that, ever.

I keep wanting to go on Instagram, and I know that it’s bad for my mental health. Today I really felt like going on there but I had to stop myself like, “Honey, no Instagram, please.” I’m telling ya, that stuff is NOT good for me. At all.

I kind of want to be a happy person, you know? Someone that just takes everything in stride, laughs things off, and is generally positive. I’m kind of not like that? I’m kind of a pessimistic person, and I always have snarky comments for what life hands me, and I have anger issues. I just… want to be there, you know? Being happy and positive. Why can’t I seem to?

I don’t know why some people hate it that I like school so much. First of all: It’s not as simple as ‘I like school. Yay! I wanna go EVERY day. Whoop! Rainbow! Daisies!’ Secondly: They probably don’t hate it, but they just want me to go to online college or something. The thing is, I like being outside home. I like being inside, too, for that matter, but I want to be OUSSIDE SOMETIMES you know? The people I’m talking about are my (2 of 3) sisters. They really made me feel bad about it. Yay.

Also about college, I have this odd thing of not wanting to disappoint anyone. By anyone I mean lecturers. I always, always attend classes, and I feel bad if I cut. Lecturers don’t even care! They don’t even think about me! Wow. Today, I didn’t go to uni because my uterus was carrying out some violent experiments without informing me #Rude. But guess what? My two other classmates didn’t go as well. At least I informed the lecturer before-hand.

The thing is, I don’t think I can make it to school tomorrow either. I was actually—get this—I was actually feeling bad that I was going to disappoint the lecturer because there’s not going to be any students in class tomorrow. My classmate said she’s sick. So I was thinking, omg I have to go tomorrow… there’s not gonna be anyone in class… that will be sad. I had to snap out of it. I mean, this is MY health we’re talking about here. So, I messaged the lecturer today and informed him I wouldn’t be attending in advance. I was just thinking—what the heck is up with me? Is that even legit? I was gonna haul ass to school because a lecturer is going to be disappointed? People don’t even go to school when they’re FINE. It’s crazy being me.

*Sigh*

Anyway. In other news, I opened up another blog. It’s about my writing journeys, etc, and honestly, I’ve been wanting to set up one for so long. It actually doesn’t cause any setbacks to Memoirs of Asi, they’re kind of just co-existing together. I think I’ll be able to run that blog for a good amount of time. It keeps me motivated to actually write. I started up a new project (I think I mentioned that earlier,) and yeah, it’s coming on quite well, and I have high hopes for it.

In other, other news, I just found something that really resonates! Because this is ME!!! Where has this word been my entire life? Just kidding—I’ve come across it before, but it’s just hitting how relatable!!!

(By the way, my screenshot is a bit dim because I have this new app on, it’s called f.lux, and I use it because my eyes hate the brightness lately.)

I know I added a lot of personal things in this post because, I mean, this is my personal journal, my creative space, I can do anything on here.

Hey, you.

Me.

They don’t know you like I do. I care about you more than anyone else in the entire world. I know all about you, more than anyone else in the whole wide world. I’m gonna be with you forever. I’ll never leave you. Ever. I love you, and want the best for you.

What they think is wrong. They don’t know ANYTHING about you. Whatever they say, is not true. I know you, and what I think is all that matters. NEVER think twice about what they say about you. They don’t even know HALF of what you’ve been through, what you’ve fought, what you’ve achieved.

How happy you’ve been. How much you’ve wanted to live. How much you’ve wanted to hoard memories. How much you’ve wanted to go for a calm drive in the quietest neighborhood. How much you’ve wanted to watch the stars forever.

All the clothes and shoes you’ve wanted. How you wanted to go for a professional manicure for the first time. How you just wanted to lie on the grass forever. How you just wanted to watch the sunset. How you just want to feel the wind on your skin.

How you love the sound of speeding cars. All the nights you cried yourself to sleep. And the one time you tried so hard not to cry and ended up dripping pure whole tears from your nose. How you never cared but lately you’ve started realizing how your teeth are badly misaligned.

All the dumbest stuff you’ve done. All the amazing things you’ve done. All the things you were passionate about. All the times you punched the walls. The art journal you had when you were 17. All the laughs you collected in imaginary jars.

The time you thought you could be perfect. The time you gave up. The time you grabbed yourself by the collar and shook yourself hard. The water that looked like sparkling diamonds. The stars you saw on the road. The times you got butt-hurt over the most trivial things.

The time you realized that there were things you were more scared of than jinns. The time you were the faster runner because you calculated 3x4 and took your slippers off during that race in the night when you were 6.  

The times when all you did was read YA fantasy. How you got disappointed in so many people. How you now want to be a whole new different. And I’ll make it happen. You won’t win this time. I’m taking things into my own hands. You’ll fight, but I want the best for you.

We tried all sorts of things. Fell into utter despair, but now it’s time for a NEW ERA MUAHHAHHAHAAHHAHA.

Anyway, I really cried writing some off the stuff above, but the thing is, I’m here to record that I’m going off my regular path. It’s not bringing me to the level I want to be. I won’t be changing a lot of stuff; I’ll just be adding a few new things to my lifestyle. I’m giving up on a few things, and trying out some old methods I used to implement in my life. The watered down version is that I’m going to be going back to some of my old ways. I never thought that would be possible, but here we are.

Listen, I’m not completely doing a 360 and going back. I can’t do that; it’s impossible, because I’ve come a long way, obviously. I’m just tired of how some aspects of my life are going, and I’m choosing to go back. No one’s probably going to notice, anyway. WHO EVEN READS MY BLOG? It’s not like I want you to. Bugger off. 

When I was 6, I had a teacher called Mrs. Agnes. She said that the devil lives in water. That included wash basin and sink drains (or any other drains). She definitely said something like that. For the longest time ever, I believed her. I’m actually embarrassed by how long I believed her for.

I saw evil in water swirling into a drain. This whole thing is comical because she was a Christian and I’m Muslim, and our beliefs vary in a lot of ways, one of which is the fact that (I’m pretty sure) in Islam the devil doesn’t hang out in the dark pipes that lead to hell (the sewer, but in this case we can say hell.)

I didn’t have to believe her. I shouldn’t have. Because A) Our religions were different, B) She probably didn’t know what she was talking about, and C) I probably didn’t hear her right.

I believe a lot of things people tell me. Some people actually tell me they like messing with me (telling me wrong information with a dead straight face) and I actually believe them. I came across the word ‘impressionable’ (I didn’t exactly stumble upon it in my nightly reading—one of my friends told me to ‘stop being so damn impressionable’) and when I realized I actually was so damn impressionable, I set out to try to not be so damn impressionable.

I get really influenced by things. I can easily get swayed with new beliefs. Recently I self-diagnosed myself with a mental disorder. That was terrible. But it really made sense in a lot of ways. Or was I just being impressionable?

I’ve probably painted this picture of me in your head: me, chewing at my nails, eyebrows scrunched together in apprehension, and probably wearing an over-sized cable-knit sweater.

The thing is, lately I haven’t been like that. I’ve been being strong. I don’t easily believe what people say. Especially what they say about me. (Most of my social interactions occur at school and when I say ‘people,’ or ‘they,’ I mean people from school.) How, pray tell, does someone know me better than I know myself? What is even more laughable is the fact that I’m a whole other person at school. I’m definitely always wearing a mask, an alternate persona, because I’m not comfortable at school. There are so many people and germs coexisting freely for me to pretend I’m at home.

Speaking of school, in my last post I wrote up a list of college resolutions and I’m sad to say that I broke all of them. I followed through with exactly none of them. Zilch. Nada. Somehow, when the time came, everything was so different. I could sit at home mulling over how I was going to react in a certain situation, and yet when it actually happened, everything was totally different. Like how I could never say no to chips. At all.

This taught me a big lesson: Worry about something when you actually get there. Stop scripting your act like a freaking YouTuber. It’s probably going to be entirely different from what you imagined. You’re not taking into consideration a multitude of external factors, including the fact that you have NO IDEA what another person is thinking at that moment. It’s probably the exact opposite of what you think they’re thinking.

In other news, do I REALLY care what people think of me? You can never know if someone judged you wrong. Besides, even if they did, they missed out on the chance of getting to know an amazing individual (moi.) It doesn’t really matter what strangers think of you, because in the end, all that matters is that there are people that accept you for who you are. And those are the only people that matter.

I’ll be honest. Lately I’ve been thinking of how much of a wholesome person I am. You’ll be lucky to meet someone else like me. I’m pretty awesome. In a non-conventional sort of way. And I like that. I have a lot of flaws, too, and I accept that. A lot of the times I’m even proud of my flaws (no, I’m not but we can pretend).

Anyway. I probably won’t get anything up on this here blog for a while so I’m going to turn this post into a life update post. So… yeah. I started uni. It’s being okay, I guess. I have some classes I really like. Like how to use java and stuff. I love that I’m doing Computer Science, guys. It’s so interesting and fun.

Life at home is great too. Hashtag Gratitude. We had around 5 pizzas this week (the stats are fooling you, it was just 2 days, and 2 tiny free pizzas). Is it odd that pizzas make my life so much better? LOL what am I saying. There must have been a glitch in the running somewhere in my brain. (NOT. Brain, sweetie, you’re amazing.)

In other news, my sister refused to give me some of her pasta and suddenly I had bruises on my knuckles (I did NOT punch the wall.) I also threw my notebook in rage and ruined it. The last remaining four pages got ripped off. Not that I’m complaining though, I was getting tired of writing in that notebook. It’s just that I haven’t lost control of my temper like that IN A WHILE. Wow. I didn’t see red, people. I saw white-hot fury. I had to lie on my bed with my face on my pillow to cool off. Someone was gone die, friends.

Anyway, that’s it for this instalment in the memoirs of asi (that’s me!) I’ll see you next time with another episode in the crazy (lol) life of Asi.

(PS: My life is not crazy)

BYYYYYYYE!!!!