My Emotions at The End of 2018
I know I’m not giving a space for my
positive emotions and feelings but no one ever cares that things are good. They
only start overreacting when everything’s going to hell. I also understand that
emotions never truly stay constant and I’ll probably be over this emotional
state by next year.
However, I just can’t help but notice how
bitter I’ve become. I feel like I’ve relapsed into this prickly version of myself
that I’ve quite familiar with. I’ve gone back to having a victim mentality. I feel
like things are going badly (even when they aren’t) and that nothing will ever
work out for me.
I know why I’m feeling this way, and I’m
saddened by the fact that a lot of my emotional progress has been erased.
It’s just that this lovely picture I’d
painted about my future has come undone. Now it’s just back to harsh reality. I
know it would seem trivial to a lot of people but it pains me how much I thought
things could be wildly amazing.
Instead I’ve been forcefully shoved back to
a mindset that made me do very many stupid things. I guess I fear for myself. I
fear that I’ll start making the same mistakes again. This type of behavior is
characterized by devil-may-care attitude combined with intense anxiety and
bursts of intense mental breakdowns. I’m actually talking about devil-may-care actions.
I’ve got myself into extremely unnecessary
and stupid situations. And I know why I did. It’s because of my lack of self
esteem, self worth, self preservation, yada yada. I didn’t really care about
myself. I don’t know if I do today. Even when horrible things happened to me, I
wasn’t asking the right questions. I don’t know. I still don’t ask the right
questions.
This detrimental behavior was also
characterized by trying to be there for other people. It was a way of asking
for the same attention for myself. It was never reciprocated, however. I seem
to have moved on from such. Mostly because I have made better friends who do
care.
In conclusion, I know I’m going to get
better but I really feel defeated. It feels like something shattered. I know I don’t
give my emotions much credit especially when it’s really needed, but this feels
immense.
I feel that writing this shows me that I really
do have more emotional maturity. I believe that things will get better. And not
in that whole way of completely ignoring and suppressing issues that really
needed to be examined. Not in that stuffing emotions away because they are too
big and scary for me to handle kind of way.
I can’t call myself misguided. I chose to
act the way I did. But it was motivated by things I really couldn’t control
like my lack of self confidence, my extreme gullible and impressionable nature,
my entirely too-trusting nature, putting others above my own self, believing in
lies, believing other people and not my own self, and other stuff.
I believe I was brought up with a series of
events that caused me to funnel down into who I am now. I’m not a pretty sight
in a lot of ways.
I think that a lot of the time, you can’t
help who you are; especially when you don’t know that you’re wrong or that you need
to improve and better yourself always.
One thing I seem to have lost the passion
for is continual betterment and improving myself. I just feel like I’m at a
standstill. I don’t feel like working on myself. I don’t feel the need to work
out, eat better, and read self help books.
My temper is back and I get angry about
everything. I engaged in a violent outburst characterized by heavy breathing
with spittle flying out my mouth (LOL this is funny), a rageful screaming fest
and ended up with bruised knuckles and I broke my bed. My throat is still sore.
My life seems to have lost meaning. I am
lost.
