Hi!
I guess
everyone wants to be rich. I mean, I never really think about it, but lately I’ve
been thinking that I need to work harder. I need that mulla, baby! I want to
have all the material things! All the clothes! Shoes! Jewellery! Bags! And
alladat.
The thing
is, I want to find something that really resonates within me. I was reading paperfury’sblog the other day, and she was going on about how she treats writing like a
full time job. I think she even mentioned that she wrote an 18,000 page book in
3 days. Wow. That’s crazy.
I’m
actually working on a short fiction piece that has just reached a slump. I don’t
even have the file open. It’s been so long since I even looked at it. I don’t
like that L I want
to write it, and finish this whole project within 2 months.
It’s almost
like I’m seeing a trend with my writing patterns now. Hmm. I usually get all
hyped up, outline some basics on one page, and then wait for things to happen
magically. Even if I do begin writing, it’s like within a few days I’m burnt
out. I need some kind of motivation to keep going.
I guess it’s
okay. I mean, I always end up finishing what I say I’ll do. Hmm… I think I’m
getting somewhere. Sounds like… sounds like, I actually believe in myself.
Whooop! I’m a person that always does what I say I’ll do. I GET THINGS DONE. You
hear me? I think that’s one of my best traits.
Sometimes I
think about how I’m not really doing a lot. I barely work hard. I just do the
bare minimum. (This is not about school—it’s about my personal projects.) I do
stuff, yes, but I don’t feel like I’m doing enough. It drives me crazy
sometimes.
But you
know what? I think that’s how things are here. I think that’s okay. If in the
end everything works out, then that’s okay. It’s okay for me to go about my day
doing the most mundane things. I think it’s fine. Some days I’ll be so pumped,
motivated, I’ll get things done, but other days are just lazy-me time.
I think
that’s okay. I think I’ll be fine. I mean, I’m passionate about writing, but
just not as much as a lot of people. I didn’t even want to say that out loud
because it makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong. It makes me feel like I’m
admitting that I don’t like being a part of the club. But I do. I’m a writer
too! Just… I’m a lot of other things too.
I think I need
to just accept the flow sometimes. You know… I’m a person who’s always looking forward
to the next amazing thing to happen to me. I want to do exciting things. I want
to be excited about exciting things. The thrill, the ride. That’s the kind of
person I am.
I don’t know
if I’ll remember them 50 years from now, but I’ll definitely love the moment. Things
like this, things that happen, they make a difference. They matter. The books
you read, the people you meet, the things you do, they matter. Even if you don’t
see it. They matter, just like the food you eat every day. You don’t think much
about it, but it’s there, you know? Adding to your existence.
I think I get
that rush from completing things. I don’t know about the journey, but I know
that the end is always worth it. It makes me feel like I’m doing things. Accomplishing
things. Adding to my list of memories I’ve hoarded.
Somehow,
along the way, something happened. I think I was just crumbling apart from the
inside. It was a slow process, but I reached one of the lowest points in my
life. It wasn’t bad; because I was holding myself up most of the time. But I know
deep down, I reached a bad place.
I lost
sight of who I was. All my power, energy—it somehow just dissipated away. I’m
still trying to recover. I guess my mind just got so weak to the point that I let
anyone say anything about me—and worse yet, I actually believed them.
I’m trying to
fix things. The best part is, I managed to hold myself up, and keep going
forward. I think that I don’t need to think too much about some things. I can
go with the flow sometimes, but deep down I know that I can’t settle. I can’t
settle for mediocre things. I want all the good things. I’ll get them.
I’ll see
you later.
Asi, The
Boss Money Gurl
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