December 2018 Update | Dear Diary
I feel like I’ve been transported back to
April 2018.
I feel so defeated and broken.
I’ve been living a lie for the past 5 months.
Being vegan, eating healthy, working out; all that stuff made me walk into a
brighter place. I think taking care of yourself has that effect on you.
I thought I’d leave 2018 in a happier, more
stable state of mind/mind set. That’s not what it looks like. I’ve been
forcefully shoved back into April.
I’m just so devoid of light and life.
The world should excuse me for nurturing a
small hope that life could be bigger and better. There are just some things
that humans can’t change. No matter how bright and intense your spark flares,
some things can’t change.
All that I thought I’d worked for and all
the growth I’d had is just trodden to dust. (I know it’s not all for naught but
I’m feeling things here.) I’m once again in a place where I feel like all I have
now is the best I could hope for. Things will become dark and dreary in a whole
new way.
I’m just resigned to my fate now. The one I
tried to fight. The one I stopped fighting and accepted. The one I thought I could
once again fight.
It also bothers me how much one person
could raise and crush my hopes with only their words.
I’m a fool.
I’m a fool for entertaining grand hopes.
What IS life after all? Coasting a regular
life and appreciating contented-ness and not yearning for excitement that more
could exist.
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