A/N LOL so this post is a jumbled mess of me trying to make sense of the fathomless pit that is my mind

Hello there, dearest avocadolings. It’s taken me eleven days to come up with resolutions… and I have exactly none to show you. 

Last year did start off real organized; with a neat, fresh and sleek list of resolutions. This year I have nothing on paper or otherwise any electronic/virtual media. I was very organized last year and I followed my auspicious list of resolutions religiously. My theme last year was to ‘find myself’ and I did ‘find myself’ before unfinding myself and what you see now is a mirage of what once was. JUST KIDDING LMAO. I mean, only a little. 

You know how everyone wants to get done with high school and finally live life? Some part is true; school is slightly (VERY) closed off from the real world. I remember in my high school graduation ceremony how some parent was giving a speech about how life is hard; and how you’re gonna have to learn to suck it up. I mean, I’m a good kid I was listening but I wasn’t thinking exactly how true it was. I was just waiting for the cake. 

This year I’m ‘winging it free style’ as I told one of my friends. I’m just letting the wind blow me where it will. Quite literally. I could probably write down a list of resolutions and try to live by it but this time I’m feeling no vibes whatsoever from the year ahead. (I’m weird lol don’t try to understand that statement) Resolutions keep you grounded throughout the year and yeah they do make you feel some sort of pressure but its good pressure, you know? AIGHT ASI I SEE NOW YOU FEEL LIKE WRITING DOWN SOME RESOLUTIONS AND FOLLOWING THEM WHAT EVEN IS LIFE.

I mean, I was going to write down some lazy resolutions to follow lazily; because I’m not entirely an objectiveless potato freestyling life. HOW CAN A BLOG POST CHANGE THE WAY YOU FEEL??? ITS JUST WORDS. And reflecting. Which makes total sense. So; I present to you the blog post that changed the WORLD.

I didn’t really start blogging till last year. I mean, I’ve got a post from back in 2014 which I kept just to show that I did blog then. I first began blogging about Arabic; how I was learning (btw real proud of myself—learned a lot of Arabic) and some lessons but stuff like that doesn’t come for free, you know? And that’s why I stopped posting about Arabic. Also; 2016 was quite a spiritual year for me (even though it wasn’t that spiritual towards the end) and I had major revelations/transcendences that I wanted to record and look back and feel nostalgic rocking on my chair 2 days later. I’m a self-acclaimed 119 year old. Every past me is a young wild child that I look back at fondly (Scream and cry in frustration for the dumb things I’ve done.) I feel like if I had blogged more I would have been less detached from uni life and the maelstrom of catastrophe that uni was, and more grounded to life and who I am. Because life as it is now is ENTIRELY different from pre-uni. I did think time and again to write up on my life updates that I usually do but I just kept pushing it for later. So this year, I need to blog more. It helps me get closer to who I am as an individual. And it can help me focus on important things and blur out the unimportant things. 

I got my certificate in Multimedia last year and I got the whole designing package (Photoshop + Illustrator) programs and I did a lot of work but as I started uni I let go and only did the bare minimum. I want to be more creative and make more GD related mistakes or failures or complete horrors and I want to make crazy collages that look amateur and teenage-ish and fangirl-ish. I have a passion for design and I want to make this a part of my career and my life. I need to do something at least every day and post them somewhere or not but just get things done, man.

I’ve discussed this with my father and he seems hesitant for me to learn driving or to get a car—I don’t know which it is. But I’ve always wanted to drive a car for myself and I want to do this for my younger self who always wanted to be cool when she grew up *wipes tear* I’M GETTING THERE FETUS ASI I LOVE YOU.

So—many people don’t get emotional people and they should accept us blah blah but that’s not what I mean for this sub-heading. I’m talking keeping my head in situations that demand I keep my head; and to act responsibly and maturely so I don’t have to cringe every 2 seconds—remembering dumb stuff I did. I don’t by the way. Do that many dumb stuff that is.

I want to be happy and focus on the happy parts of life. People usually remember the bad parts of life and concentrate on how things went wrong but they always forget the times they were happy and joyful. I’m not pressuring myself to remember exactly ALL the good things but being grateful does work wonders for the skin, I hear. LOOOL. I want to worry less about any mistakes I might make. They don’t have to be mistakes, per se; sometimes the things we do aren’t wrong but they are perceived that way by people near to us/loved ones. It all really boils down to being a subjective matter. Every one’s ideals are different and we do the right things, don’t we? And we make informed decisions if we do make wrong decisions. Situations are here to teach us and water us and watch us grow. That is life. Growing. Life wants you to live and grow and be fulfilled.

So this was one of my goals for last year. I did work out regularly… a bit. Barely. AT LEAST I DID SOMETHING. I remember fitting into some clothes that weren’t fitting well before I worked out. Cassey Ho’s blogilates are the bomb by the way. I think one of the reasons I wasn’t entirely focused on this is because I don’t wear clothes that need a fit body. We be hiding horrors under our abayas y’all. I wear abayas and tops and skirts and only once or twice (a few times) did I wear jeans/pants. I wear long tops either way. One of the areas I feel the need to work on the most is my legs/thighs. I want to have proper fit thighs and I don’t care how today’s ideals are big booty or whatever I just want to be lean and fit.

‘I have been so many people in the journey to find myself.’

It makes me only a bit sad that I’m in a different state of being than I was half a year ago. I have always thought of myself as a spiritual person; always in tune with her spirit and state of mind. I feel vibrations and premonitions you know? I trust my senses. I don’t feel them nowadays. I accept that I’m a different person, and events can cause shifts in our spiritual being. I also kind of feel like there’s a cover over my deepness and the bottomless expanse of my mind. I feel shallow. And it doesn’t bother me too much. And yet I kinda want to still be that spiritually free individual. But that is a part of me still. With how much I learned, I’m moving forward. It influences my world—how I was. I’m taking it with me. To shape the world.

And that’s it, pawpaws. I started out this post about how I had no resolutions but it was like I was having a good talk with myself; and I realized that I do need resolutions to keep me focused on this perilous and shifty road. There are no helpful sign posts—only danger skull warnings. LOL that’s hella gloomy but life does have its brightly lit sunshine cities at the end of the road.