WHAT IS LIFE ABOUT | I SQUAWK; CROUCHED ON THE ROOF OF A DECREPIT IGLOO

I ask myself (and random strangers in the elevator) this question about 23890^3 times a day. I’m kidding I don’t ask random strangers in the elevator. The conclusion is that I’m in an existential crisis. I mean, I think that’s not entirely a bad thing—look at Jaden Smith; he seems fine (his Instagram username is existentialcrisisboy) I think. 

I’m losing track of the reason for my existence. Or I don’t understand the reason for my existence. Or maybe I don’t know at all. I know for one thing that I don’t want to be a clueless potato binge scrolling on Instagram. My workout is going quite *scream whispers* IT DOESN’T EXIST IT’S GOING THROUGH AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS. *wrests mic back into control* Ahem.

 The question is: Is there an answer to this question???

What do we do with our lives? What are we supposed to do?? Why do people think I’m crying when I’m just wiping my melting eyeliner? Ahem.

 I feel like in order to feel like my life is about something, I need to accomplish things; do great stuff, get recognition on the internet and other ginormous events as such. But alas, the tragedy of life is that I am that clueless potato binge scrolling on Instagram. My 2017 resolutions flew away on the back of a pigeon over the Nile.  My Secret Writing Project (SWP) set sail to the Undying Lands. I just don’t know what to do. 

 Sometimes I get jealous of people who are amazing and get things done all proper and adulting and I’m still stuck here the things I do make me cringe for real. So obviously I cheer on the people that amaze me; the people that I look up to. But sometimes I feel like I can never match up to them. I feel like I’m letting myself down. And obviously you’re wondering, ’But asi, if you know what to do why don’t you stop being a big baby and actually DO the things you want to do???? Get a grip lmao.’ I just don’t know how to answer you. 

 When I was about 14, I wanted to be the most efficient/ the best version of myself. I called it ‘the climax’ I have no idea why lol. I wanted to be the climax efficient human being. To do everything in perfection. All the things I had to force myself to do; had to come easily to me. Years later I realise that I did become that person I wanted to be so bad. But I think that I can get somewhere with all this lack of clarity on life. I will get there. It may take some time but I know that one day I’ll do the things I was too lazy to do; look back and smile at the crazy pumpkin that I was. Feeling like I just “couldn’t”. I just couldn’t write one page a day. It’s a funny world. Haha.

I need to set a real goal. What do I want to be? What do I see my best self as? 

 As opposed to the means to getting there?? To see myself as an accomplished writer; will lead me to write so I can fulfil the main objective. 

 I asked that question, “What do I want to be?” The thing is I thought I’d found myself. I thought I knew. I thought I was the best version. But that’s wrong. I see now. There are so many things about myself that I need to change. Do you know how hard that is? To be vigilant enough to tell when you’re being (un-efficient) and to correct yourself.

 I don’t think I’ve answered my question but I’ve found one part of the answer; Keep improving yourself. Gratitude. Drink more water damn my lips hurt they’re split down the middle. It’s like I have chronic dry lips sometimes I'm just done. 

 I’ll get there Insha Allah. Maybe I won’t be perfect, but as long as I’m improving myself bit by bit I should be content. I don’t know if I will ever be enough but maybe that’s not what I need. Maybe all I need is to be constantly improving myself.