Hello, my
avocadolings.
I just
finished my 2nd year, first semester, and I’m gonna let loose all
the feels. First of all, I had a bad time. I don’t even want to go back to
school. I can’t even discuss this with any of my family because they’ll all
say, “Ha! Who told you to go there then?” I go to a private university and it
has its perks, but it seems like my dad wasn’t really hyped for me to go there.
I’ve made a
bunch of mistakes this year, man. First of all, when this semester was
starting, I made a list of ‘college resolutions’ and I’d decided to stop
concentrating too much on schoolwork (weird, I know). The reason I came up with
this is because I wanted to concentrate on myself, improving myself, and mostly
my writing. (You know what? Not weird at all. I was taking time off for myself!
Ha!)
I should
have given school some more time though, ugh. There are some classes where the
finals were so hard. GOD. Speaking of God, my belief (eemaan/ faith) is at an
all-time low. I don’t even know what’s going on. I’m just praying and doing the
basics, and just floating around. I don’t even want to say the rest of the
stuff because I’d be so embarrassed. Or whatever. Who reads this anyway. I feel
like God is bigger than I make him out to be. Or, like. He’s not out to get
you, and punish you, you ingrate.
This semester
I wore only abayas. Which is cool. Actually, yesterday I went out shopping with
my mom, decided I hate shopping, and that I’m okay with my 10 abayas for life. I
killed all my fantasies for being a fashion gyal. Aint got time. I was thinking
that I want to express myself through fashion, with Adidas jackets and dope
jeans, but that isn’t even me. I can’t wear jeans and tee’s. I’m too insecure. I
can just hide under my abayas and be happy.
I’ve been
thinking about how, lately, I’ve become decidedly more and more mute with my
brash, bold level-headedness. I’ve always considered myself a bit loud, and
opinionated. I don’t feel that way anymore. I just feel like a demure person.
Hence the word muted. I’ve always considered myself slightly masculine-ish? A
bit of a tomboy character. Or whatever. I just know that I’ve stopped being… strong.
Yeah, that’s the word. Strong. I’m so weak now. Makes me think, was I even ever
strong in the first place?
On the
other hand, I feel like I’ve been more happier than before. Like say when I was
18-19. I was happy when I was 17, that I’m sure. 15-16, not so much. Dark
times. I was questioning God. I don’t even remember being 15. Hmm, this time
lapse is making me feel young.
I was
listening to Amy Poehler’s book, Yes Please, and she was going on about how she
chose her currency. Basically, some people’s currency is their looks, how pretty
their face is, or how dope their body is, and their fashion sense. She decided
her currency was going to be her personality. I’ve been struggling with how I look.
My body. I feel like, if I could only make my hips less wide… make my thighs
slimmer… ugh. I know my face is pretty (I’m being vain because this is MY blog)
but I’m deciding to make my currency something else—not looks.
Yesterday (when
I was shopping with my mom) I was in the car, and the sun was searing the left
side of my face (I let it, because my eye was itching and being weird) I was
thinking how I’m gonna make my life about something. I always ask myself, what
is life about??? So, I was thinking how I’m gonna make my life about having fun,
and making profit though writing. I was thinking about fun, and I was like, am I
even a fun person anymore? Can we go back a few paragraphs when I was talking
about how I’ve become less bold, or whatever? This, too. I feel like I’ve
become less fun. I used to be the fun one. I don’t even know anymore. I have
anxiety and I can’t be fun anymore. I feel like a disappointment. I can’t talk
to strangers. I feel like I just want to stay home and read a book. Even
though, you know, I like being outside and going places. I just, I don’t know.
I’ve lost
myself, I don’t even know who I am anymore. I feel so lame. Even though, at the
same time, I’ve improved a lot as a person, and I feel like I’ve gotten more
self value and worth, I feel like I know my limits. And I know I deserve to be treated
like a wholesome human being. Sighs. It’s all so complicated.
So yeah,
basically, things happened this semester. I don’t know what I should have done;
I did my best. I just think it’s crazy how some things are so smooth and easy
for you, without even trying, and how some things have to be so God-damn hard.
It’s like, everything was out of my control. And some things were out of my
control in a good way. Obviously the things that were out of control in
a bad way are the things that take precedence, and demand more attention.
For future
reference, really bad things happened to me. I don’t know. I haven’t been strong
enough. You know, in this blog I try to keep the gruesome to a minimum, but
seriously, things were bad. I’m kind of okay at the time of writing this, but
this semester has been HORRIBLE. I’ve been tormented. I don’t even get how I’m
okay.
I don’t
even know what I’m doing.
Asi.
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