Memoirs of Asi

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My Emotions at The End of 2018

00:35
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My Emotions at The End of 2018

I know I’m not giving a space for my positive emotions and feelings but no one ever cares that things are good. They only start overreacting when everything’s going to hell. I also understand that emotions never truly stay constant and I’ll probably be over this emotional state by next year.

However, I just can’t help but notice how bitter I’ve become. I feel like I’ve relapsed into this prickly version of myself that I’ve quite familiar with. I’ve gone back to having a victim mentality. I feel like things are going badly (even when they aren’t) and that nothing will ever work out for me.

I know why I’m feeling this way, and I’m saddened by the fact that a lot of my emotional progress has been erased.

It’s just that this lovely picture I’d painted about my future has come undone. Now it’s just back to harsh reality. I know it would seem trivial to a lot of people but it pains me how much I thought things could be wildly amazing.

Instead I’ve been forcefully shoved back to a mindset that made me do very many stupid things. I guess I fear for myself. I fear that I’ll start making the same mistakes again. This type of behavior is characterized by devil-may-care attitude combined with intense anxiety and bursts of intense mental breakdowns. I’m actually talking about devil-may-care actions.

I’ve got myself into extremely unnecessary and stupid situations. And I know why I did. It’s because of my lack of self esteem, self worth, self preservation, yada yada. I didn’t really care about myself. I don’t know if I do today. Even when horrible things happened to me, I wasn’t asking the right questions. I don’t know. I still don’t ask the right questions.

This detrimental behavior was also characterized by trying to be there for other people. It was a way of asking for the same attention for myself. It was never reciprocated, however. I seem to have moved on from such. Mostly because I have made better friends who do care.

In conclusion, I know I’m going to get better but I really feel defeated. It feels like something shattered. I know I don’t give my emotions much credit especially when it’s really needed, but this feels immense.

I feel that writing this shows me that I really do have more emotional maturity. I believe that things will get better. And not in that whole way of completely ignoring and suppressing issues that really needed to be examined. Not in that stuffing emotions away because they are too big and scary for me to handle kind of way.

I can’t call myself misguided. I chose to act the way I did. But it was motivated by things I really couldn’t control like my lack of self confidence, my extreme gullible and impressionable nature, my entirely too-trusting nature, putting others above my own self, believing in lies, believing other people and not my own self, and other stuff.

I believe I was brought up with a series of events that caused me to funnel down into who I am now. I’m not a pretty sight in a lot of ways.

I think that a lot of the time, you can’t help who you are; especially when you don’t know that you’re wrong or that you need to improve and better yourself always.

One thing I seem to have lost the passion for is continual betterment and improving myself. I just feel like I’m at a standstill. I don’t feel like working on myself. I don’t feel the need to work out, eat better, and read self help books.

My temper is back and I get angry about everything. I engaged in a violent outburst characterized by heavy breathing with spittle flying out my mouth (LOL this is funny), a rageful screaming fest and ended up with bruised knuckles and I broke my bed. My throat is still sore.

My life seems to have lost meaning. I am lost.

December 2018 Update | Dear Diary

06:46
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The Fascination with Book Blurbs

09:57
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The Fascination with Book Blurbs

There IS a way to read a 300 page book in less than 100 words. Or something. It’s called Blinkist. And you know, I’m not exactly sure what this app does. It seems legit, but until I’m rich enough to afford it, there’s no telling.

Blinkist is a dream come true for chronic readers like myself. I’ve been obsessed with reading for as long as I can remember. I’m pretty much a seasoned reader… of all things YA… Fantasy. You could say I’m a niche reader.

What is it in a book blurb anyway? (For those of you that don’t know—a book blurb is the little description at the back of the book. The blurb. That’s what it is. There’s no other word for it.) It either sells or it doesn’t. I’ve gone through thousands of blurbs, gosh. (Written one, too). And yet, there’s always a make-or-break factor. There are so many books I end up not reading.

I’d love to know what a book is about in short. And I mean everything in the book, including the plot twists and the cliff hangers. A sort of spoiler-esque version of the book, if you will. The outline.

And yet what is the point of writing if not for engaging the reader, easing them into traps and controlling their frail minds by presenting extreme emotion in text? Writers are basically mind controllers.

So maybe I don’t have the patience to sit through the flesh of the book. Or maybe I just don’t have the time and discipline anymore. A while back I did notice a trend: I’d read about a chapter or two of a self-help book, ardently taking notes before promptly abandoning it.

I’ve read a bunch of book blurbs today. I’ve read the blurbs for: The Female of The Species, Saving Francesca, On The Jellicoe Road (I really like the word Jellicoe—and calico too), and the blurbs for books from The Lumatere Chronicles which I’ve read before and thoroughly enjoyed.

I think this year has been quite average for my reading. I haven’t had a lot of time on my hands. I’ve watched a bunch of TV shows.

I’ll be writing up my 2018 update soon hopefully.

XOXO

ASI

September 2018 Life Update

09:28
By Asi
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I’m writing this because I read an article today about auditing your life. I’m not sure if this is my 3^rd September life update even though it’s only the 14^th of. I guess I like September. There’s even a song called September song that I like. It’s just one of those weird months no one notices go by. Well I’m here, September and I shall give you the validation you deserve!

The going’s good I should say. I’m being consistent for the most part. I hate to say the thing I’m most proud of because I hate to say that I hate to jinx it. I’ll allow this eccentric part about me. I’d like to break out of this superstitious side of me but eh, it’s being tough.

I’ve been going to school. It’s dope. Been learning stuff. I actually have a module this semester that’s an entire course I did as a certificate. Graphic Design. I feel like such an expert. In fact, I tried cutting my class last week but my grand rebellious act was squashed down because the class was canceled anyway.

Mental health is looking just peachy lately. I’m basically thriving.

Self love journey is going amazing. I realized that I simply CANNOT look like anyone else. I can’t look like the skinny tumblr girls. I can only look like myself. So, I’ll work towards my body in the best shape it can be. Whew. That wasn’t so hard, was it? Also, I’ve found a way to incorporate the 80/20 rule into self love and acceptance. Putting 20% into our lives gives off 80% of the result. So, when you think of yourself as 20%, you’re actually 80% more than that!

SO, yeah. Self love is going great. I honestly CANNOT believe the insanity of media. Why do I feel like I’m the only person on earth who’s not perfect? Honestly, it’s insane. I’m literally not the only person that has hip dips. Or a fat stomach. Or fat thighs. Uneven skin. And other flaws I can’t think of right now.

(I stopped here and now it’s the next day and I can’t be bothered to complete the train of thought. I’ll say goodbye here now. Yours always, Asi.)

I’m Glad I Fought with My Parents

11:03
By Asi
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I’m Glad I Fought with My Parents

The last two days have been an intense showdown of drama and feelings in my family. We’ve had screaming fests and astonishing broken-record stupidity.

I’m on a self love journey. Also, among my September resolutions is to ‘be more confident’ and to ‘break way from culture’. These are expounded upon in my last two posts.

Last night, our familial heads got into a dumb fight with a child. I’m not interested in the fight but rather the impact it’s had on me. I’ll be quick to clarify that I barely flinched in all this chaos. I really think I don’t care.

I was involved in a loud conversation with my parental sperm donor. Now, I barely talk to him. However, I have on occasion let loose my fiery temper. I’ll just say that I was proud of myself for speaking up, defending my sister and stating only facts with clear conviction. This is where I’m breaking away from culture. I can’t succumb to patriarchal and sexist cultures and traditions anymore. I wasn’t aggressive, for one. Two, my dad actually listened to me. Even though it’s probably because he’s trained in listening to bullshit he doesn’t want to hear.

Today, I screamed at my mom. I’ve never done this before. At least not in this intensity. I have to say that I’m always crying if I talk to my dad. About anything. This time, no tears left to cry (LOL #Reference). If I can scream with this intensity at my mom, I can scream this way to people that actually offend me. I feel this power inside of me now. I’m steel and fire. When ever did this burning forge die down?

Also, I had a battle of dominance with my sister. This gave me an intense personal growth/self esteem boost. She was giving me her advice. I always listen to my sisters, to be honest. But today, I stood my ground. I looked at her and thought, “You have your opinion, and I have mine. And I believe in myself with utter conviction.”

I felt strong as steel. I met her gaze with an even one of mine. I’m usually trash at eye contact and can barely maintain it. Today, I stood strong as a stallion. It just goes to say that even though we think others are better than us, or greater than us, it’s not true. We have other things we are better than them at. We are greater than them. People have opinions, and so do you. Be as strong as steel. Be as hot as molten iron.

I’m glad this whole fight happened. It has given me insight into this fiery stallion of a woman that I am. I like to think that the next time I’m cheated, I WILL STAND UP. My self love/esteem journey is having such a crazy turnover. I have to apply the principles I’ve learned today into my regular life. I’m extraordinary. I’m phenomenal. I don’t need to compare myself to anyone. Even if I do, there are things I’m way better at than that person. I matter. I am worthy.

Peace out

Yours always,

ASI.

September 2018 Resolutions

12:01
By Asi
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I feel like I haven’t properly welcomed enough months this year. I like to attach significance to dates and times. I guess life has been too fast-paced for me to properly feel its passage. I was born in March, so I love March. I love to welcome it and enjoy it.

I feel like right now, I have the time and energy to actively feel the start of September, and set up some resolutions. I’ve been reading material online, and watching TED talks that have inspired me to lay out resolutions daily. Obviously I haven’t been doing it, but like most people, the start of a new month is a just cause to start afresh again.

Without further ado, here are my September resolutions:

September 2018 Resolutions

1. Write more

I’d been on a roll for a few weeks. I’d been writing a lot and feeling good about myself. Somehow for the last 3 days, I don’t feel that way anymore. I think it’s because I wasn’t resonating with what I was writing. However, I have chosen another subject and I hope I can write joyfully again. Also, I’d like to write a fiction book. I’ve been inspired by someone and I think I can write one too. I’ll go online for advice on how to outline a fiction book because the last time I wrote a book, I didn’t take into consideration any of the fine aspects of fiction writing.

2. Read more

Who am I if I don’t have ‘read more’ on my resolutions?! Haha, wouldn’t be me. I LOVE reading, in case you didn’t know. As I grow older and my goals become more focused, I find myself reading more and more non-fiction. I’ve mentioned before how I love reading personal growth and development. I also LOVE, LOVE reading YA Fantasy. I’ve barely finished 4 Fantasy books in the past few months, and I think the universe is telling me something. Anywho, I’ll be reading more.

3. Self love

In my last post, I mentioned I was going on a self love journey. I suppose it’s coming along nicely. I’ve been watching all these TED talks that resonate with me. I just might reach that insane level of self esteem that some people have. I find that taking care of myself and being mindful of what I put into my body is helping me realize a bunch of things. It’s actually helping me love myself more. I also need to start saying positive things to myself and stuff like that. My poor self image is pretty mind boggling. I have a lot great qualities and skills. I’m a pretty cool person. It’s insane. I’ll get up to that level of self esteem, though.

4. Stop being such a people pleaser/ butt licker/ doormat

I don’t understand how I came to be as such. I find myself bending over backwards for complete strangers. I’m not even talking in the oh, she’s nice kind of way. I probably come off as creepy. I smile at everyone and say hi. But sis, who’s saying hi to ME? Anyway, this isn’t about that. It’s about being a fool (and a tool). Let me elaborate. In my Statistics class, I was sweltering from the heat and suffocating to boot. I turned on the AC, right? But the girl next to me wraps her scarf around her. I’m completely fine, just dandy really, with the temperature and the significant improvement in circulation. So, what do I do? I ask the girl if she’s feeling cold. She says no, I’m always cold. I ignore her repeated re-assurances and turn off the AC and open the windows. Who’s suffering now? That’s right. Me. I’m not even joking—this comes completely naturally to me. It’s some reflex level stuff. I’m a natural doormat. This is after days of recognizing and being mindful of the same fact. I don’t want to be like this anymore. I refuse to mistreat MYSELF and not take care of MY BODY. How is this normal? I’m not having it anymore.

5. Be more confident

I have a lot to say about this step. First of all, I find myself trying to fit in too much. I try to imagine myself as not too different from everyone else. In case I hadn’t mentioned it, I’m a foreigner in my country. I act like I belong here. I’m not even trying to be mushy or whatever. I always felt like everyone else to be honest, because, let’s face it—I grew up here. I identify as a local. But the thing is, people don’t treat me like one. I find myself trying to tone down on the way I speak, or try to relate to things with everyone else but no one else is having it.

I only figured this out recently—I’m a foreigner. Even if I don’t want to believe it, I didn’t have the same experiences growing up as a local. I’m looked at different. I’m even treated different. (Hello, unfair taxi prices.) So yeah, I find myself trying to seem less cool than I actually am. Stuff like that. But you know what? I am different. There’s no need to change who I am for people that won’t appreciate me anyway. So, I’ll use those words that no one understands. I’ll be hyperbolic. You don’t get me? Fine. I’m not sacrificing my identity for strangers.

Also, I’m going to start wearing the clothes I want to wear. Sure, I’m not usually comfortable doing that but I’m not going to be a slave to my irrational thoughts. My severely misplaced low self worth. My appalling lack of self love. WHY SHOULD I CARE WHAT STRANGERS THINK ANYWAY?? I’m my own person, navigating through my own life. Why should I let transient people dictate how I dress?

6. My story gets to have the voice I give it

I’m writing out my own story with my own choices, decisions and actions. I don’t want to view my life in other people’s eyes, or their perspectives. Yes, I feature in other’s stories, but how does that have more weight than my own story? I get to have the command of how I narrate my story. To be honest, I find myself going out of my way to have a mark on other people’s lives. I do the dumbest things, just so I can be THAT character for someone else. So they can say: hey, so yeah this girl did this for/to me. I’ve been noticing the problem with this thinking lately, even though I’ve known I was doing it for a long time. I don’t want to be someone that does things just so people can have a certain character in their lives. Actually, I find it sickening now. I feel like I’m getting to the root of it. I’d like to blame Young Adult Contemporary Fiction but I know it’s something deeper. I do things for people just so they can reciprocate but they don’t. I stopped this foolishness by the way. I’m a far better person for it.

7. Break way from culture

I’m not willing to butter up my culture’s ego anymore. I come from a shockingly sexist, patriarchal and backward society. And the worst part? I enable it. I continue to be the meek girl who listens to male figures and their absolute bullshit. Their power plays and condescending tones and behaviors. I clam up instead of stating my opinions, my answers to things that involve MY LIFE. MY FUTURE. How dumb can that be? I don’t subscribe to the gutter that is my culture. It’s insanely backward and tragically sexist. I refuse to shut up anymore. I refuse to do things that are against MY code of conduct. I have not come the conclusion that my culture is stupid by chance, it is insanely abnormal. I refuse to shut up form today. I am a strong, independent, opinionated, educated modern woman. My culture has gone unchecked for far too long. It belongs in the past. In the old days of ignorance and stupidity. This is the new era. It’s a new age. Old people with their backward mentalities hold no power over me. I’m a free soul; a free spirit. I refuse to be treated like cow dung by senile old men.

In conclusion

Well, wow. This turned into a rant/vent session. It’s alright, it’s good—great, actually. I find myself realizing more and more how abnormal some of my behaviors are. I’m working towards being a better version of myself. These September resolutions are a great way to keep track of what I want for myself—to be highly aware of my being. To be aware that I am in control of my destiny and nothing and no one can stop me from achieving what I want to.

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My Emotions at The End of 2018

December 2018 Update | Dear Diary

The Fascination with Book Blurbs

September 2018 Life Update

I’m Glad I Fought with My Parents

September 2018 Resolutions

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